# 63 on my, 99 Life Tips–A List is: Learn to preface statements with, “I could be wrong,” as needed. Recognize how true this is.
I’ve written previous pieces on preference and on being right in your own eyes exploring the idea expressed in this piece. Yes, you choose what you prefer. You also feel right in your own eyes when you do so. But… you could be wrong.
This truth about the potential for error applies not solely to actions, but applies to opinions and beliefs as well. It is important to keep open the possibility that you could be wrong.
I count as among my most helpful moments in life, two disasters when, to my horror and shame, I was wrong about everything. I don’t know if there is a sage adage that you learn more from failure than from success, but if there isn’t, there should be.
The first such moment was learning how wrong I was—living independently from God.
That was a Big one.
The second was learning how wrong I was to build a life around an unfaithful woman in the naïve belief that it would last forever because we’d stood in front of the aforementioned God, and a bunch of people, declaring that it would.
Never trust anyone without a limp
Both these instances pulled the rug out from under me in the most marvelous way. And they’ve left me with a limp. Remind me sometime to tell you my story about Jacob wrestling with the Angel.
That limp is internal. It’s the constant reminder to be vigilant not to put confidence in myself as an accurate predictor of my accuracy.
And let me just say here in my piece about the need to admit to yourself that you could be wrong… I could be wrong.
I don’t feel any need to set myself up as a guru or ultimate authority, even on matters I know a lot about. That flies in the face of conventional wisdom, especially for writers like me who produce lots of so-called “life advice” stuff. We’re supposed to own our niche, and position ourselves as THE VOICE, or the expert, or some other non-sense. Hmmm… I wonder if GregTheOracle dot com is available???
When I read someone like that, I discount 95% of it, and laugh at the other 5%. Seriously.
Look, confidence is great to have. If you need some, be confident in this. You could be wrong.
Right & Wrong are sometimes hard to discern. Other times not at all. Once you’ve decided, do not be Switzerland.
# 56 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: If a Hitler-like figure shows up in your life, or in the world, do not be Switzerland.
This tip is on my list because I don’t do neutral well. Being that way has worked for me. This history makes it natural for me to encourage you to shun neutrality, too. Sometimes things are black and white. Sometimes there is truth…and lies. In those times, I believe you should be objective, have a large perspective, but do not be Switzerland.
If, like me, you’ve ever been accused of having ”strong opinions”, it’s because you aren’t afraid to speak them. You may take that accusation as a compliment. I do. I mean, who wants to be known as the guy with ”weak opinions”?
Are you neutral because you are unsure, or because you’re afraid?
But, if taking a stand is something you struggle with, let’s consider your situation. Is your difficulty in thinking through a problem, coming to a conclusion, and choosing a side? Or does the fear come from revealing your position, once chosen?
Do you feel intimidated to speak up? If so, ask yourself if it’s because you are unsure of what is right and wrong in the issue at hand, or because you are unsure of yourself?
I can’t know for sure, but I want to believe Switzerland’s leaders knew right from wrong, but they feared the onslaught if they broke official neutrality. They were unsure of themselves, and whether they could withstand the storm of reprisal.
This is an important distinction. If you are unsure of the issue, due to complexity, or nuance, that can be solved by objectively regarding the evidence on both sides, and by an enlargement of your perspective. You can try to see the issue from every side.
Do this remembering there is room in life for a plurality of views. There is a time to be objective. An impartial, nonpartisan mindset assists in this information gathering stage. I’m glad it’s that way. One of my favorite historians, Will Durant, says that being philosophical boils down to having a “large perspective.” I also like that idea.
Widen your perspective to become a more objective thinker
The wider our perspective, the better thinkers we are about all sorts of problems. The more important the issue, the more we should gather and evaluate evidence for ourselves, pro and con, before reaching conclusions. Propagandized spin won’t do. That’s not evidence.
But as much as we may try to incorporate every point of view, and as objective as we strive to be, in the end we are left with our own perception of right and wrong. The scale will tip in one direction or the other. And forgive me if you feel this is too binary, but some things aren’t gray. Sometimes you are faced with actions or issues that are right or wrong. In those times, neutrality on your part may encourage and reinforce the wrongdoer. And encouragement and reinforcement are the neighbors of aiding and abetting.
Redefine success and increase your confidence
So, if your real uncertainty isn’t over the conclusions you reach, but over yourself, this is precisely the opportunity you need to change that. In this case, re-define success. Success is not changing the other person’s mind. It is speaking yours. Regardless of the response. And this success will beget confidence, which will beget further successes.
These opportunities are precisely the chance to prove to yourself that you are the kind of person with the backbone to stand up for what you see is right, and to resist what you believe is wrong.
Once you’ve been objective, enlarged your perspective, and reached your verdict, do not be Switzerland. Don’t cop out. What you gain in self-respect and self-esteem will more than make up for what you lose by resisting the wrong side.
Beware the confidence that you know what is good for you…no one can see very far down the tracks
# 31 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Beware of the confidence that you know what is good for you.
Soren Kierkegaard, the Danish philosopher of the middle-1800’s penned this famous quote in his journal. It is instructive as to why this tip to beware of the confidence that you know what is good for you is worth heeding.
“It is really true what philosophy tells us, that life must be understood backwards. But with this, one forgets the second proposition, that it must be lived forwards. A proposition which, the more it is subjected to careful thought, the more it ends up concluding precisely that life at any given moment cannot really ever be fully understood; exactly because there is no single moment where time stops completely in order for me to take position [to do this]: going backwards.”
~ Kierkegaard, Journal, 1843
This usually ends up shortened to:
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards”
Ibid
True Good Must Pass The Test Of Time
As a father to seven children, I’ve oft told another about a lesson I’ve shared with one of my kids. Sometimes, they have remarked to me, ”Oh, that is soooo good!” My reply has usually been, ”We’ll see in six months.” Goodness can pass the test of time. It’s best not to judge to soon.
As the philosopher noted, we do not have the luxury of time-travel while living. We are stuck on the railroad tracks of sequential time. One thing follows another. We are forced to respond on a moment by moment basis. Not being able to see far enough down the tracks of cause and effect, we don’t know at any particular moment how one thing, one decision, one attainment, or one disappointment, may turn out in the long run. If you cannot have the confidence of certainty about the future, isn’t it wise to beware of the confidence that you know what is good for you in the present? Because good is not just about immediate gratification, but also long-term effects.
I’ve said many times, one of the worst things I can get in life is what I want. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you should have it. Just because you think it is good for you, doesn’t mean it is. We are trapped in a short-sighted series of near-term decisions that produce unknowable long term effects.
True Good May Not Be What You Think It Is At All
On two occasions thus far, I have suffered the devastating loss of life. The me that was alive from birth to 21 died at a Grateful Dead show in March of 1986 when I met Jesus. My whole conception of right and wrong, truth and falsehood, good and bad, died with that 21 year old drug-addicted hippie. That me died in possession of a hundred-hit sheet of 3-day-old blotter acid, and tickets to 12 more concerts on the Spring Tour. Things that I was confident were very good for me. And a new me arose in his place. A better me, yes, but with similar limitations at being able to predict the future accurately.
Losing those ”good things”, this death and rebirth, was the first best thing that ever happened to me.
A Second Death; But This Was Good…Wasn’t It?
The second me died on May 15, 2009 when, under duress, I left my wife of 22 and a half years and a houseful of six minor children for whom I had given everything I had to give. They, including my unfaithful wife, were my whole life. Like a vessel ripped loose from its anchorage at a dock, I was completely un-moored from the reality I had known from age 23 to 45 and a half. That role and those relationships formed my entire conception of who I was. That me was as indissoluble from that life as if blue dye was dissolved in water. How would one ever separate them?
There was no “me” apart from the life I’d spent more than two decades living. And yet, through actions not mine to control, that version of me died; along with the at-home father and husband. Those things were so incredibly valuable and good to me, that the whole notion that I would ever see good again, died too.
And yet…
Life Can Only Be Understood Looking Backwards
Looking back these 12 years, this 3rd iteration of me can see and understand. I now know that this devastation was the second best thing that ever happened to me. Not only did it bring about a much needed humbling, it opened the door to a relationship with a life partner with whom I have never been more happy, more authentic, more complete, or more grateful.
I carry in my mind an appreciation for a God who may not keep bad things from happening to me, but who will be with me through them and will work them out for good. Almost like Someone who isn’t stuck in sequential time could see down the tracks and cause enough good to wipe away every tear.
So yes, I repeat, beware of the confidence that you know what is good for you. Rather, do your utmost to be good to others, treating them as you’d wish to be treated. And cultivate your awareness and relationship with One who can see further down the road of life than you, One who knows you better than you know yourself, and Who can love you more fully than you ever could love yourself. One who does know what is good for you. That’s a better place for your confidence.
Your Guess Is As Good As Mine – And It’s Yours To Make
So much of life is trial-and-error, no? We all make guesses every day. Our lives are shaped by the never-ending series of guesses, evaluation of results, and new guesses. From the time a child is old enough to explore the world, she engages and interacts and measures the feedback. Of course, she doesn’t know she’s doing that. In her mind, she’s just putting her hand in the VCR slot. (I know, I just dated myself). But indulging the autonomous, natural curiosity of childhood gives a different kind of satisfaction, with a different kind of internal feedback, than fulfilling external expectations imposed by others.
The point is, we all make guesses about the world. We start with the idea that the world is our playpen. There is nothing in it to harm us. But a child left with a key will invariably find an electric outlet with a key-sized slot. Hmmm…this looks like it will fit. The child inserts the key and the next thing she knows she’s across the kitchen floor on her back, her mom frantically yelling and gesturing.
Perhaps that is an extreme example, but it serves as a template.
Life involves exploration and experimentation; and all good experiments start with a hypothesis, which is just a fancy way to say, ”a guess”. So guesses are made about things like how fast we can pedal our bike down the gravel driveway. Or, what will happen if I send that girl a ”do you like me, (yes or no?) note in class? And if you’re a bold guesser, you’ll want to see what will happen if you lean in close enough; will she give you a goodnight kiss? The guesses that turn out with good results both increase confidence and reinforce willingness to keep guessing. Bad results diminish confidence, reduce curiosity, and can lead to the basic anxiety that most people feel when facing the unknown.
For confident guessers, the unknown is exciting, even thrilling. Those once-bitten are not only twice shy, they lose confidence in their ability to guess well. These become much more willing to be told what to do, what they should want, and how they should live. To avoid a bad outcome from what they feel is a bad guess, they’re willing to let others do their guessing. They become ”second-guessers” of their own decisions. As you can see, a second guesser is actually someone afraid to be a ”first guesser”.
The thing is, even for the less confident, the guessing isn’t over. As far as I can tell, it never stops. There is a daily feedback loop of trial-and-error data to process. Sometimes the results are immediate, sometimes delayed. The ones who do what they are told are still guessing that the someone else can choose better for their lives than they can. They are guessing that they will make a mess of things if they reclaim the basic autonomy to make guesses for themselves. So, they usually defer.
There’s no good manual or definitive guide for these things. There are no guarantees. All guesses are not good ones. But this is the life we’re stuck with. And that means everyone gets to do their own trial-and-error explorations to determine which actions and decisions produce results they like best. Our lives are shaped by this never-ending series of guesses, evaluation of results, and new guesses.
It would seem that on paper, there are as many different ways to live as there are people. How then do we end up in a world in which we’re competing with one another trying to attain the same things? How do we become so easily manipulated to look and act so much alike? Is it because people too often become afraid of their guessing ability when things don’t turn out the way they expect? Something inside breaks.
When people talk about a broken spirit, maybe this is what they mean. A person with a broken spirit is just someone not confident enough to make a guess that might result in failure. So they’re easy prey for someone else to use them in making their own guesses. And isn’t that the worst kind of failure there is, especially since guessing about the best way to live for oneself is the nature of what it means to learn how to live well?
Make your best guesses today about what is best for you. That’s all any of us is doing anyway.
