# 97 on my 99 Life Tips–A List is: Do not borrow problems not yours to solve. Life will give you enough to do.
Do you know what the biggest problem facing most people is? Their biggest problem is that they don’t know what their biggest problem is. Maybe this is you.
We all know people who make it their life’s work to stick their nose into other people’s business. We’ve all got friends and family and co-workers coming out our ying-yangs telling us how to do this or that, or how to fix something or other we know good and well they have neither experience nor expertise we can rely on.
Don’t do that. Don’t borrow problems that aren’t yours to solve. You just make yourself a royal pain-in-the-ass. Life will give you enough to do just focusing on your own shit.
When you receive unsolicited advice from someone telling you what you should do about whatever, and you can see they are drowning in a cesspool of their own unsolved problems, how does that feel? Do you consider them a trusted source? Do you appreciate their concern and rush to incorporate their advice?
No Poseurs Allowed!
Hell no! You don’t want to be that guy/girl/non-binary poseur either.
Leave other people’s problems alone. Leave them alone until they ask you. The invitation to pitch in with help and advice in someone else’s affairs is a sacred trust. Don’t neglect it and don’t abuse it. Be the person who gets asked your opinion, not the kind who never gets asked yet can’t stop giving it.
One day soon, I will write a story titled, How To Know If You Are A Good Parent. The story will comprise one question and two follow up comments.
The question: Do your kids ask for your advice?
The comments: If yes, you are a good parent. If not, you need some improvement.
Now, like chord positions on a guitar neck, this story can be transposed to play in different keys. We can change it from the key of Parenting to the key of Friendship, say. We can then change the title substituting Friend for Parent and keep the content of the story exactly the same. See how nice that works?
Is this too simplified? Maybe. But then, I’m a simple guy. Let’s keep things real, shall we?
Don’t borrow problems not yours to solve. Go to work on your biggest problem. Start by figuring out exactly what that is.
What would it look like fixed? Probably not like this…(Dreamstime Image: licensed to the author)
# 60 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: You cannot solve any problem without having a clear picture of the solution in mind. Ask, ”what would it look like fixed?” borrowed from David Allen.
Because this is one of my favorite questions, and has been so life-changing for me, I secured the domain whatwoulditlooklikefixed.com a few years ago, where I will eventually build out a self-help site based around this idea. I’m happy to share it here with you.
I was introduced to the concept in David Allen’s book: Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity. I highly recommend the book if you want to dive deeper into the whole system of personal productivity and time management Allen espouses.
Answering what would it look like fixed has become the starting point of my entire problem-solving heuristic.
The premise is simple. A problem arises. You want to fix it. So far, so good…
But fixing problems requires answers to two questions:
1- What is the true problem? (This is a book in its own right)
2- What would absence of the problem look like, or conversely, what would it look like fixed?
Until you answer these two questions problems manifest will remain problems unsolved
How often have you set out to fix a problem without first discovering what was really bothering you, or having a definite, clear idea of what needed to happen to not feel bothered by it anymore? If you’ve done this, you know how frustrating it can be to multiply effort using the wrong means for the wrong ends with no clear plan. (Which probably describes the typical workday of millions of people). And maybe this too accurately describes normal life for a lot of people as well.
So, since you certainly want to avoid adding frustration to the feelings you already have about your issue. Do the hard work, the meaningful work, up front. The hard work is actually mental, involving thinking and imagination. You’re creating a world where your problem doesn’t exist. In this world, you vanquished the burden. It’s gone. Exterminated. Kaput.
This picture gives you both a target state to achieve and the inspiration to achieve it. Don’t worry yet on what will have to happen to make this vision come to pass. That’s another part of the problem-solving process. Without a clearly defined destination, further steps in the process are tantamount to walking in circles.
From Concept to Concrete
This is how, precisely how, all the man-made reality that you look around you and see, gets from concept to concrete. Things go from abstract idea to tangible reality by answering some variation of this one question.
What would it look like fixed?
If you want to solve a problem and don’t have this idea clearly in mind, how will you know when you’re done? How will you gauge success at eliminating the problem. Do you see the dilemma? Unless you can clearly state, in specific language, ”This problem will be fixed when ______________.” happens, all efforts will amount to pushing in the clutch on a car, stomping the accelerator, and redlining the engine in a screaming cloud of smoke and fury, but the car goes nowhere.
Instead, do the hard work up front. Get a clear picture of exactly what fixed would look like, then use the appropriate means to reach that desired end. (A subject for another day).
This is a very acute problem. Repeated occurrences on a construction site would be chronic.
# 42 on my, 99 Life Tips– A List is: Learn to differentiate quickly between acute and chronic problems, and the strategies for dealing with both.
Do you know the difference between acute and chronic problems? Do you realize each requires a different strategy?
Simply put, acute problems arise suddenly, can be identified rapidly, and can be solved quickly…not to say easily. Chronic problems are on slow burn. They typically became problems when you weren’t watching, or you inherited them with your position, or were born into them with your family. These are long-term difficulties, they have already had long-term effects, and they promise to linger because there is no easy resolution.
So, when a problem arises, first ask, is this fresh on the scene? Have you faced this issue before? If yes, it’s probably not acute. It’s likely a chronic issue.
For Acute Problems Identify And Modify The Variables
Solving acute problems is a matter of identifying and changing the variables to directly change the outcome. They have this pattern:
A problem occurs. (You step on a nail)
You identify the variable causing the problem. (Nail)
You modify the variable. (Remove nail from foot)
Problem mostly solved.
To solve acute problems, first determine the source. Be honest. Is it you?. Seriously. If that’s the case, those are the easiest to solve. Stop being a problem.
If you’re not the source causing the problem, finding a solution becomes a matter of control. Do you control the variables needed to resolve the issue. That’s why solving acute problems is easier when you’re the source. You control your own actions. When you don’t control the variables, acute and chronic problem solving share a common tactic. Quickly limit your exposure to harm, to the degree possible.
Many acute problems arise from a failure to practice situational awareness. Avoidance of problems is wiser than solving them.
For Chronic Problems Clarify, Then Modify Your Thinking
Chronic, persistent problems wear you down by attrition. You feel resigned to their existence. They aren’t one-offs. They’re either constant, or predictably regular. Even when they feel like a never-ending string of acute events, using acute tactics won’t work. So, what do you do?
Recognition that it’s chronic is step one. Knowing this relieves you of the responsibility for implementing a solution with resources and actions you directly control. Here, it is helpful if you have a friend, spouse, or partner emotionally mature enough to listen to you without trying to offer pat suggestions and solutions. Guys…I’m talking to you(us). This is sexist, but, in general men are poor listeners. We think we can solve any and every problem. Sometimes the best solution is to just listen. Allow your partner, friend, wife, or lover to just vent.
This act of talking through a problem is psychologically and emotionally validating to the one suffering a chronic situation. And often, the ability to talk it through, giving vent to the feelings that arise, is a pressure release valve that reduces the negative impacts, at least for the time being. It also provides a valuable opportunity to clarify how you’re thinking of the problem. Hearing yourself talk about it, can give you insights to help cope with the problem if it cannot be easily or quickly solved. Sometimes knowing we have someone with us, gives us the courage and perseverance we need to face a problem, even if they cannot make it go away.
Changing your view of a problem can often provide some emotional protection. It won’t change the other person’s behavior (if the chronic problem is with a person), but it will change how you see them. You may modify your own connection to them. Changing your thinking may lead you to establish boundaries valuing your own integrity and asserting your own rights. It may cause you to re-categorize the person as you see them in a new, less flattering, more realistic light.
Sometimes The Problem Isn’t Yours To Solve
As you learn to differentiate quickly between acute and chronic problems, it’s also important to recognize when a problem is not yours to solve. This is most often true in chronic situations. You may be hit with the overflow of an issue that is really someone else’s responsibility to deal with. An example would be of a parent trying to negotiate a truce between adult siblings. I’ve written before that this is not the time to be an umpire.
A workplace **** is a chronic problem for the boss to solve. Unless you’re the boss, Make it the bosses problem.
Another example would be with a rude, unprofessional co-worker. This is a classic chronic situation that is unsolvable if you aren’t their direct supervisor. That problem is the bosses problem to solve. As a rule, whether acute, or chronic, don’t pick up problems that aren’t yours to fix.
In this world we have it on good authority that we will have trouble. In many ways, life consists in effective problem-solving. There is nothing wrong with wishing you had no problems to face, but wishing won’t make it so. It is better to embrace the idea that problems are going to come, but you can learn to be effective at solving them, or at least coping with the unsolvable ones. That starts with differentiating quickly between acute and chronic problems, and the strategies for dealing with both.
# 20 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: When asked for advice, rather than giving the inquirer a solution to their problem, give him a new way to think about his problem.
The corollary to this tip is, Do Not Give Advice Unless Asked. Unsolicited advice makes the adviser feel good about himself but seldom gives any assistance to the hearer, since they were not in the market for it. I am most successful wearing my sage hat when I wait to be asked before indiscriminately imparting the profundity of my wisdom. Especially when I preface my own advice by tying to provide a new way to think about the problem. This seems to be better than the standard, ”Well, if I was in your shoes…” approach.
There is a fancy word for problem solving systems. The word is heuristic(s). We all employ them. Some methodologies are more useful than others. Some mental shortcuts are more harmful than helpful, being little more than thinly veiled cognitive biases. I have written before about a particular bias called the Availability Heuristic. Regardless of your particular way of solving problems, here is a variation of quote attributed to Einstein:
”One will never solve a problem by thinking in the same plain in which the problem was conceived.”
Or put more simply, this:
Solving problems requires a new way of thinking. Sometimes the old way is the cause. This from brainyquotes captures the idea pretty well.
In order to give someone a new way to think about a problem, you must first determine how they are currently thinking about it. Ask questions, get responses. Keep probing. Often, this process is helpful in itself. Allowing a person to think through and voice their own views may uncover areas of speculation, or error, or confusion.
Taking this approach provides the chance at self-discovery for the one with the problem. And I wish I had a dollar for every time some entrenched internal narrative has been the crux of the matter anyway. Poor thinking in will always equal poor thinking out. Your job is to help change the thinking patterns.
Oftentimes we can’t see the solutions to our problems because we’re just too close to them. Our vision is obscured the way a person’s vision of the sun is blocked if he holds his hand too close to his eyes. Rationality diminishes in direct proportion to the engagement the emotions. Throw in stress, and cognitive function rapidly diminishes.
This is why finding a new way to think about the problem often requires a sympathetic, objective adviser. That’s you. If you can resist providing a quick fix long enough to be an empathetic sounding board, you might give the other person not only your solution for this one problem, but a new way to approach all future problems as well.
