# 97 on my 99 Life Tips–A List is: Do not borrow problems not yours to solve. Life will give you enough to do.
Do you know what the biggest problem facing most people is? Their biggest problem is that they don’t know what their biggest problem is. Maybe this is you.
We all know people who make it their life’s work to stick their nose into other people’s business. We’ve all got friends and family and co-workers coming out our ying-yangs telling us how to do this or that, or how to fix something or other we know good and well they have neither experience nor expertise we can rely on.
Don’t do that. Don’t borrow problems that aren’t yours to solve. You just make yourself a royal pain-in-the-ass. Life will give you enough to do just focusing on your own shit.
When you receive unsolicited advice from someone telling you what you should do about whatever, and you can see they are drowning in a cesspool of their own unsolved problems, how does that feel? Do you consider them a trusted source? Do you appreciate their concern and rush to incorporate their advice?
No Poseurs Allowed!
Hell no! You don’t want to be that guy/girl/non-binary poseur either.
Leave other people’s problems alone. Leave them alone until they ask you. The invitation to pitch in with help and advice in someone else’s affairs is a sacred trust. Don’t neglect it and don’t abuse it. Be the person who gets asked your opinion, not the kind who never gets asked yet can’t stop giving it.
One day soon, I will write a story titled, How To Know If You Are A Good Parent. The story will comprise one question and two follow up comments.
The question: Do your kids ask for your advice?
The comments: If yes, you are a good parent. If not, you need some improvement.
Now, like chord positions on a guitar neck, this story can be transposed to play in different keys. We can change it from the key of Parenting to the key of Friendship, say. We can then change the title substituting Friend for Parent and keep the content of the story exactly the same. See how nice that works?
Is this too simplified? Maybe. But then, I’m a simple guy. Let’s keep things real, shall we?
Don’t borrow problems not yours to solve. Go to work on your biggest problem. Start by figuring out exactly what that is.
What would it look like fixed? Probably not like this…(Dreamstime Image: licensed to the author)
# 60 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: You cannot solve any problem without having a clear picture of the solution in mind. Ask, ”what would it look like fixed?” borrowed from David Allen.
Because this is one of my favorite questions, and has been so life-changing for me, I secured the domain whatwoulditlooklikefixed.com a few years ago, where I will eventually build out a self-help site based around this idea. I’m happy to share it here with you.
I was introduced to the concept in David Allen’s book: Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity. I highly recommend the book if you want to dive deeper into the whole system of personal productivity and time management Allen espouses.
Answering what would it look like fixed has become the starting point of my entire problem-solving heuristic.
The premise is simple. A problem arises. You want to fix it. So far, so good…
But fixing problems requires answers to two questions:
1- What is the true problem? (This is a book in its own right)
2- What would absence of the problem look like, or conversely, what would it look like fixed?
Until you answer these two questions problems manifest will remain problems unsolved
How often have you set out to fix a problem without first discovering what was really bothering you, or having a definite, clear idea of what needed to happen to not feel bothered by it anymore? If you’ve done this, you know how frustrating it can be to multiply effort using the wrong means for the wrong ends with no clear plan. (Which probably describes the typical workday of millions of people). And maybe this too accurately describes normal life for a lot of people as well.
So, since you certainly want to avoid adding frustration to the feelings you already have about your issue. Do the hard work, the meaningful work, up front. The hard work is actually mental, involving thinking and imagination. You’re creating a world where your problem doesn’t exist. In this world, you vanquished the burden. It’s gone. Exterminated. Kaput.
This picture gives you both a target state to achieve and the inspiration to achieve it. Don’t worry yet on what will have to happen to make this vision come to pass. That’s another part of the problem-solving process. Without a clearly defined destination, further steps in the process are tantamount to walking in circles.
From Concept to Concrete
This is how, precisely how, all the man-made reality that you look around you and see, gets from concept to concrete. Things go from abstract idea to tangible reality by answering some variation of this one question.
What would it look like fixed?
If you want to solve a problem and don’t have this idea clearly in mind, how will you know when you’re done? How will you gauge success at eliminating the problem. Do you see the dilemma? Unless you can clearly state, in specific language, ”This problem will be fixed when ______________.” happens, all efforts will amount to pushing in the clutch on a car, stomping the accelerator, and redlining the engine in a screaming cloud of smoke and fury, but the car goes nowhere.
Instead, do the hard work up front. Get a clear picture of exactly what fixed would look like, then use the appropriate means to reach that desired end. (A subject for another day).
This is a very acute problem. Repeated occurrences on a construction site would be chronic.
# 42 on my, 99 Life Tips– A List is: Learn to differentiate quickly between acute and chronic problems, and the strategies for dealing with both.
Do you know the difference between acute and chronic problems? Do you realize each requires a different strategy?
Simply put, acute problems arise suddenly, can be identified rapidly, and can be solved quickly…not to say easily. Chronic problems are on slow burn. They typically became problems when you weren’t watching, or you inherited them with your position, or were born into them with your family. These are long-term difficulties, they have already had long-term effects, and they promise to linger because there is no easy resolution.
So, when a problem arises, first ask, is this fresh on the scene? Have you faced this issue before? If yes, it’s probably not acute. It’s likely a chronic issue.
For Acute Problems Identify And Modify The Variables
Solving acute problems is a matter of identifying and changing the variables to directly change the outcome. They have this pattern:
A problem occurs. (You step on a nail)
You identify the variable causing the problem. (Nail)
You modify the variable. (Remove nail from foot)
Problem mostly solved.
To solve acute problems, first determine the source. Be honest. Is it you?. Seriously. If that’s the case, those are the easiest to solve. Stop being a problem.
If you’re not the source causing the problem, finding a solution becomes a matter of control. Do you control the variables needed to resolve the issue. That’s why solving acute problems is easier when you’re the source. You control your own actions. When you don’t control the variables, acute and chronic problem solving share a common tactic. Quickly limit your exposure to harm, to the degree possible.
Many acute problems arise from a failure to practice situational awareness. Avoidance of problems is wiser than solving them.
For Chronic Problems Clarify, Then Modify Your Thinking
Chronic, persistent problems wear you down by attrition. You feel resigned to their existence. They aren’t one-offs. They’re either constant, or predictably regular. Even when they feel like a never-ending string of acute events, using acute tactics won’t work. So, what do you do?
Recognition that it’s chronic is step one. Knowing this relieves you of the responsibility for implementing a solution with resources and actions you directly control. Here, it is helpful if you have a friend, spouse, or partner emotionally mature enough to listen to you without trying to offer pat suggestions and solutions. Guys…I’m talking to you(us). This is sexist, but, in general men are poor listeners. We think we can solve any and every problem. Sometimes the best solution is to just listen. Allow your partner, friend, wife, or lover to just vent.
This act of talking through a problem is psychologically and emotionally validating to the one suffering a chronic situation. And often, the ability to talk it through, giving vent to the feelings that arise, is a pressure release valve that reduces the negative impacts, at least for the time being. It also provides a valuable opportunity to clarify how you’re thinking of the problem. Hearing yourself talk about it, can give you insights to help cope with the problem if it cannot be easily or quickly solved. Sometimes knowing we have someone with us, gives us the courage and perseverance we need to face a problem, even if they cannot make it go away.
Changing your view of a problem can often provide some emotional protection. It won’t change the other person’s behavior (if the chronic problem is with a person), but it will change how you see them. You may modify your own connection to them. Changing your thinking may lead you to establish boundaries valuing your own integrity and asserting your own rights. It may cause you to re-categorize the person as you see them in a new, less flattering, more realistic light.
Sometimes The Problem Isn’t Yours To Solve
As you learn to differentiate quickly between acute and chronic problems, it’s also important to recognize when a problem is not yours to solve. This is most often true in chronic situations. You may be hit with the overflow of an issue that is really someone else’s responsibility to deal with. An example would be of a parent trying to negotiate a truce between adult siblings. I’ve written before that this is not the time to be an umpire.
A workplace **** is a chronic problem for the boss to solve. Unless you’re the boss, Make it the bosses problem.
Another example would be with a rude, unprofessional co-worker. This is a classic chronic situation that is unsolvable if you aren’t their direct supervisor. That problem is the bosses problem to solve. As a rule, whether acute, or chronic, don’t pick up problems that aren’t yours to fix.
In this world we have it on good authority that we will have trouble. In many ways, life consists in effective problem-solving. There is nothing wrong with wishing you had no problems to face, but wishing won’t make it so. It is better to embrace the idea that problems are going to come, but you can learn to be effective at solving them, or at least coping with the unsolvable ones. That starts with differentiating quickly between acute and chronic problems, and the strategies for dealing with both.
These expressions of shock over problems mistakes, and shortcomings are step one to a better version of you…
# 22 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Problems, mistakes, and shortcomings are your friends. How else will you know what to work on so you can grow into a better, more complete version of you?
Everyone makes assumptions. Including you. Some assumptions, if made, are patently absurd, and easily disproven. The assumption that ”all politicians are altruistic and honest” would fall into this camp. One of the assumptions it is safe to make is that you are imperfect and fallible. This is a fine and valuable thing to admit. It is one of those facts that is persistently true irregardless of your admission or belief. Having established that, and assuming fallibility, we must also enter a new relationship with our multiple fauxs(?) pas. I suggest becoming friends with problems, mistakes, and shortcomings as soon as possible after the shock wears off of again finding one of them intruding and imposing itself into your life.
The intensity and duration of the shock is determined by how well you embrace the assumption about your fallibility. The more you accept fallibility, the more you will come to accept it when it rears its ugly head. Your acceptance of imperfection in yourself will inevitably lead to the expectation of imperfection. Thus, the shock, when you prove your assumption correct, will not be as severe. This is not to make excuses for problems, mistakes, and shortcomings. On the contrary, it is simply to reclassify them. These errors, lapses, and struggles are your friends if they can serve as the catalysts and precursors for change and growth.
I am not an advocate, nor a practitioner of strident self-help in a vain attempt at perfection. I have written that some imperfections will follow you through life. And, I believe this to be true. But, character flaws are different. They should not be tolerated. And character flaws become more transparent in the face of problems, mistakes, and shortcomings. How? Because it is adversity that reveals and produces character, not good times and prosperity.
Problems, mistakes, and shortcomings reveal character. They give you a benchmark. You get to see a snapshot in time of the ”real you”, that is, your true current character. Certain character flaws are a magnetic welcome mat for certain problems. If you find yourself facing repeated, cyclical bouts with the same issues, then someone in the universe is trying to give you a clue about what is most in need of fixing. And…giving you multiple opportunities to recognize it, and do something about it.Once again, you’ve arrived at the perfect occasion to ask one of the most important questions you can ever ask yourself, ”Am I okay being like this? STAYING like this???”
Hopefully, you answer yourself correctly and then persevere in whatever appropriate steps are available to you to become the person that can answer, ”Yes, I’m cool with being like this.” when you ask yourself that question. Until then, whenever problems, mistakes, and shortcomings show up, try to recognize them as friends trying to point you in that direction.
