Greg Proffit Writing

Tag: self-awareness

  • How You Feel Matters Less Than What You Do—Refocus Your Attention For Better Results

    How You Feel Matters Less Than What You Do—Refocus Your Attention For Better Results

    How you feel matters less than what you do
    (Adobe Stock Image: Licensed to Author)

    # 74 on my, 99 Life Tips–A List is: Think less about how you feel and more about what you should do.

    The people I know who spend the most time analyzing how they feel consistently feel the worst. I may confuse correlation with causation, a common problem, but the predictability of this outcome led to the tip above. 

    For consistently better feelings, how you feel matters less than what you do. If you will refocus your attention, you’ll feel better,… and be more productive, to boot.

    I’m on a sometimes weight loss (sometimes weight gain) regimen known by its common name as a “diet”. To track progress, I stand on a scale hoping it doesn’t chuckle and say, “One at a time, please.” I can see the number. It is measurable, serving as an indicator of whether I can afford to drink a beer. 

    There is no empirical scale for emotional states

    Seriously though, emotional states don’t work that way. There is no objective, empirical scale. 

    Asking someone whose emotional states fluctuate dangerously how they feel on a subjective 5-point scale is the equivalent of asking an obviously drunk person if they’re drunk, and what they think they’d blow. Chances are high you will not get an accurate answer.

    Maybe I’m different, but whenever asked to pick from three emoticon faces ranging from sad—to neutral—to happy, nine times out of ten, I’m neutral. I seldom think about how I feel. 

    When I feel good, I just enjoy it. It doesn’t occur to me to stop and evaluate whether I’m at a 3.5 or 4. If I feel bad; I figure out why, what I’m thinking, what it would look like fixed, and what I can do about it. I don’t ponder whether I’m feeling a dismal 1 or perhaps as high as a 2. Degree is irrelevant.

    If you get stuck here, analyzing and cataloguing your feelings, you may wish to reconsider. How effective is it? What does your subjective answer about your subjective feelings tell you except in the most general terms?

    It is important to know how things make you feel so that you can do something to either recreate them or eliminate them. The action you take is the key thing.

    I’ve written about the relationship between emotions and thoughts, so this is where I start when I feel bad. My thinking is the usual culprit. I don’t start by figuring out how bad I feel. I don’t press on my emotions like I do bruises. If I feel bad at all, that’s bad enough to take action.

    You most definitely figure out what you’re feeling so you can act accordingly. What you feel and how much you feel are different. Yes, figure out what you’re feeling; think less about how you’re feeling, and figure out what you should do. 

    Because ultimately, how you feel matters less than what you do.

  • Overcoming Anxiety—Stop Making Worry Payments On A Lay-Away Plan

    Overcoming Anxiety—Stop Making Worry Payments On A Lay-Away Plan

    Overcoming Anxiety
    Photo by Uday Mittal on Unsplash

    # 72 on my, 99 Life Tips–A List is: Remember that anxiety is making payments of worry in the present for a future outcome that hasn’t occurred yet. There will be plenty of time to feel bad about that outcome when it arrives. 90% of the time, it won’t.

    The temptation when writing about overcoming anxiety is to sermonize Philippians 4:6, which starts with an imperative commandment:

    Be anxious for nothing…

    While the prohibition against anxiety is as binding as those against murder, adultery, and lying, this one usually gets a pass.

    We treat it as an affliction, or disease, more than as a volitional sin. That’s hard to even put in writing. I have such empathy for those in my life who suffer with sometimes debilitating bouts of anxiety.

    Nor have I been immune. But my tip above shows how I deal with it and to date, how I’ve successfully prevented succumbing to it.

    Recognize what anxiety is. It is present-tense worry about a future outcome. We rarely feel anxious about past events. There may be regret or even depression over some past misfortune or tragedy. Depression seems to occupy the past predominantly. But we rarely worry about events behind us.

    Anxiety about the future is the desire for reassurance and certainty that are impossible to give or receive. The uncertainty creates worry universally dominated by things out of your control. Wasting emotional energy on what you cannot control is debilitating.

    But you don’t need me to tell you that.

    Be Here, Now

    You cannot stop how you feel unless you refuse to get into the mental time capsule that keeps playing images for you of events that haven’t happened yet. 

    It takes a concerted effort to be present to right now.

    It is staying present to right now that defeats anxiety. It is the only thing that consistently does.

    Focus on the moment and the resources you have on hand to meet it. You don’t need resources for tomorrow yet, or for next week, or next month. When those moments arise, you’ll find the resources you need. Those scenes you fear, the ones playing on the future-projector in your head, may never happen. Leave room in your thinking for the possibility that unforeseen factors and forces may edit them out completely of your future.

    One thing about that verse from Philippians; it mentions Thanksgiving, or gratitude. One of the surest, most powerful tools in your arsenal against either anxiety or depression is the practice of present-tense gratitude. 

    It is impossible to be grateful and anxious, or grateful and depressed, at the same time. Gratitude is key to overcoming anxiety.

    Relish with gratitude every simple pleasure and praise-worthy thing in your life that is yours right now. That breath you’re taking might be a good starting point. You got this.

  • You Could Be Wrong

    You Could Be Wrong

    You could be wrong
    Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

    # 63 on my, 99 Life Tips–A List is: Learn to preface statements with, “I could be wrong,” as needed. Recognize how true this is.

    I’ve written previous pieces on preference and on being right in your own eyes exploring the idea expressed in this piece. Yes, you choose what you prefer. You also feel right in your own eyes when you do so. But… you could be wrong. 

    This truth about the potential for error applies not solely to actions, but applies to opinions and beliefs as well. It is important to keep open the possibility that you could be wrong.

    I count as among my most helpful moments in life, two disasters when, to my horror and shame, I was wrong about everything. I don’t know if there is a sage adage that you learn more from failure than from success, but if there isn’t, there should be.

    The first such moment was learning how wrong I was—living independently from God.

    That was a Big one.

    The second was learning how wrong I was to build a life around an unfaithful woman in the naïve belief that it would last forever because we’d stood in front of the aforementioned God, and a bunch of people, declaring that it would.

    Never trust anyone without a limp

    Both these instances pulled the rug out from under me in the most marvelous way. And they’ve left me with a limp. Remind me sometime to tell you my story about Jacob wrestling with the Angel. 

    That limp is internal. It’s the constant reminder to be vigilant not to put confidence in myself as an accurate predictor of my accuracy.

    And let me just say here in my piece about the need to admit to yourself that you could be wrong… I could be wrong.

    I don’t feel any need to set myself up as a guru or ultimate authority, even on matters I know a lot about. That flies in the face of conventional wisdom, especially for writers like me who produce lots of so-called “life advice” stuff. We’re supposed to own our niche, and position ourselves as THE VOICE, or the expert, or some other non-sense. Hmmm… I wonder if GregTheOracle dot com is available???

    When I read someone like that, I discount 95% of it, and laugh at the other 5%. Seriously. 

    Look, confidence is great to have. If you need some, be confident in this. You could be wrong.

  • Everyone’s Ways Are Right In Their Own Eyes

    Everyone’s Ways Are Right In Their Own Eyes

    Everyone's ways are right in their own eyes - even this beautiful alley in Charleston, SC
    This Charleston Alley seems like the right way…it sure is beautiful. (Photo by Beth Hughes, used by permission)

    # 62 on my, 99 Life Tips—A List is: Know this as well: Everyone’s ways are right in their own eyes, including yours.

    Most of the inspiration for this tip comes from the Old Testament, with maybe a little from the Grateful Dead.

    “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.”

    ~Proverbs 21:2

    This proverb reinforces the fact we all do what we prefer. Preferences yield choices, which produce behaviors. These habitual acts become our way of life. But our preferences come from a deeper well–the sense that what we prefer is right. 

    Let’s say this rings true and you believe me. Now what? Are you supposed to excavate every action–performing psychological archaeology–to uncover the latent impulses that inform your every preference? Damn, that’s exhausting just to type. Imagine how much you’d have to live in your head to do that for every decision?

    Yet, this describes so much of what makes up the advice found in self-help books. And even at the professional, clinical level, there’s a lot of retrograde motion attempting to uncover the why’s of behavior. That’s the rub of typical therapy or psychoanalysis once you strip away the jargon.

    What if we could agree on some basic assumptions?

    1- Our nature as humans is to pursue self interest until we meet an obstacle.

    2- Our actions conform to this nature. 

    3- We do what we do and live how we live because it seems to be the right way to fulfill self interest.

    4- We continue on this course until or unless something larger than self interest replaces it as our primary motive. (which is tricky because this becomes our new self interest, though perhaps not for selfish reasons)

    See? Simple. Where should I send my bill? 

    The ancient proverb cited above tells the why’s. But if you don’t like that font of wisdom, might I interest you in some Grateful Dead?

    “Sometimes we live no particular way but our own

    And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home

    Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone

    Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own.”

    ~Grateful Dead: Eyes Of The World
    (Songwriters: Jerome J. Garcia / Robert C. Hunter)

    We live the way we do for reasons that seem right. I’ve never woken up and thought, I’m going to live all wrong today. Have you? Even when we do something we know is wrong, we rationalize it to make it right. (Interesting word, rationalize, the practice of torturing reason to turn something wrong into something right so you can avoid feeling bad about it.)

    But enough digression. When you see me, it is safe to assume I’m doing what is right in my own eyes. I’m going to assume that about you. The trick is to assume it about yourself. 

  • Go Granular When You Feel Bad

    Go Granular When You Feel Bad

    This woman feels bad. Is she lonely, stressed, tired, overwhelmed, or depressed? We would have to go granular to find out.
    Saying this woman feels “bad” doesn’t reveal much about what she’s really feeling. We would have to go granular to find out. (Adobe Stock Image: licensed by author)

    # 45 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: In the face of negative emotions, go as granular as you can to analyze and identify exactly what it is you’re feeling. Generalities like, ”I’m just sad,” won’t work.

    No matter your optimism, positive-mindedness, or mental toughness, there will be times when you feel bad. Unfortunately, this fact besieges and ensnares us all. Even those whose practice is to deny negative emotions, for a moment feel bad enough to trigger their denial response. It is neither a crime, nor a sin, to feel bad. In the physical world, pain is a signal that something is damaged or injured and needs protective care. Ignoring physical pain can lead to permanent damage. 

    This is also true of emotional pain. Ignoring or denying mental and emotional pain is not an effective strategy if mental and emotional health is the goal. Neither are generalizations a good remedy. Telling yourself, or others, ”I’m just down today,” or, ”I just feel bad,” doesn’t give any clues either to what it is you’re really feeling, or to the cause. Think of the last time someone mouthed this to you. Did their, ”I just feel bad,” provide enough useful information to offer a solution or ease their suffering?

    Sometimes, we guard our privacy by deflecting unwanted attention away from our down times. Uttering a generic, ”I’m just a little down,” can be a defensive, avoidance technique. However, it’s not healthy to do this to yourself. One practice that is helpful is to probe deeper than these surface generalities to unmask exactly, precisely what you’re feeling. 

    Emotional Nuance Is More Than Semantics

    There is a difference between ”sadness,” and depression, and between depression, and anxiety. Likewise, are you ”upset,” or frustrated? ”Angry,” or just annoyed? Do you feel ”hurt,” or ashamed? Are you simply ”bothered,” or do you feel overlooked and invisible? These nuances of emotional intensity and precision are more than mere semantics.

    Going ”granular” yields analysis of your feelings with specificity. And the process of ferreting out precisely what you’re feeling, will often reveal why you’re feeling it. Oftentimes, this discovery is the insight you need to change the way you feel. Sometimes this happens instantly. Other times, you’ll come away with a hard-won lesson that can bring beauty and wisdom from the pain. At minimum, you will have a diagnostic tool revealing the root causes of the matter. 

    The next time you feel bad, go as granular as you can. Dive deeply to discover exactly what you’re feeling. You’ll likely also uncover the ”why” of your negative emotions, and this awareness will equip you to address the roots, and not just the bad, surface fruits, represented by those generic ”bad” feelings.

  • Do Not Ignore Your Discontent – You Never Know What Pearl Awaits

    Do Not Ignore Your Discontent – You Never Know What Pearl Awaits

    pearl in shell demonstrates the principle that beauty can result from irritating discontent
    This pearl began with an irritant. What kind of beauty can your discontent produce? (Adobe Image licensed to author)

    #2 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Do Not Ignore Your Discontent. Identify and Embrace It.

    The importance of this cannot be overstated, because the springboard of all motivation is discontentment. No one who is at perfect, nirvana-like, blissed-out peace, is motivated to do anything. Toward what end? Blissed out peace is the end of the journey. Discontent is the impulse needed to begin the journey. It is the grain of sand in the oyster that can turn into a pearl once identified, worked on, and transformed.

    Your particular feelings of unease and dissatisfaction are unique to you. So, do not ignore your discontent. The irritants are signals, prompts, pressures, and triggers towards meaningful change. So, whatever that thing is that is bugging you: sit with it, analyze it, dig deeply into what is really bothering you. For your own sake, don’t attempt to drown your discontent with drugs, drink, or distraction, either. The disquiet might be temporarily numbed, but it won’t go anywhere by that method. 

    On the other hand, a full embrace and acknowledgement of the gnawing unease is your doorway to peace of mind. The process of discovering exactly what is bothering you, and why, will give you self-knowledge that is at least as valuable as the knowledge of what makes you happy. And it will give you a ready made boundary to keep it out of your life for good. Embrace your discontent and work on it, this is where true beauty comes from.

  • Master of the Obvious News – What You Look At Determines What You See

    In my post Look What’s In Your Hand, I encourage the reader to acknowledge the simple fact of having made it through every day right up to the present. That is not a simple feat. Nor is it one that deserves to be shrugged off and taken for granted. It is not a throw-away piece of knowledge. It is a simple exercise to show that we miss truths we’re not looking for.

    One way to think of life is as a daily search for clues revealing how we should feel about things. But life rigged the search. It will reveal the evidence you’re looking for. It will confirm your biases, whether good or bad. What you look for determines what you see. Optimists don’t need rose colored glasses. They are looking for things to feel good about, and they see them. Pessimists look for evidence to confirm their frustrations, disappointments, and skepticism, and they find the evidence. Problems are incredibly easy to spot. A child can do it.

    A wiser man than I once said, ”You don’t see the world the way it is, you see it the way you are.”

    Unknown…

    To see a different world requires a different you. 

    Do not despair, this is not an impossibility. However, seeing the good in the world around you is an acquired skill. It takes a commitment to look for the good and to recognize it when you see it. It doesn’t take any particular skill or talent to see all the problems in the world. Mastering the ability to see the good all around you is one of the most worthwhile pursuits of life. It is indispensable to a good life because a prerequisite for having one is the ability to see what is good about it. 

    No one who is habitually focused on the problems and deficits of their circumstances, or of the world in general, is living a good life, no matter how much money they make, what car they drive, or any other external factor.

    Every person chooses whether to be happy or not.  The decision is made alongside the determination to look for and see the good, or not. Some make the choice on the front-end and evaluate their circumstances based on that choice. They know that what you look for will determine what you see. For these, even when bad things happen, they haven’t neglected to also spot the good, the recognition of which acts as a defensive buffer for their mind and emotions. 

    Others make the happiness choice on the back end, allowing circumstances to dictate the choice for whether they will be happy or not. And people waiting for circumstances to be exactly as they want them to be before they can be happy never are.  

  • How Well Do You Know Yourself & What’s Your Claim To Fame?

    You are the star of your own movie – The Marquee is waiting for you to fill it in

    I filled out an application for a freelance writing gig today. The application asked me to –  ”Tell us something about yourself.” I typed some words to fit the required response and moved on. Hours later, I’m thinking about that. One of the most difficult things in life is to keep an authentic answer to that question at the ready. That seems a shame to me. The ability to tell someone about yourself hinges first of all on what you tell yourself…about yourself.

    My uncle used to ask a question of people I introduced to him for the first time, ”What’s your claim to fame?”

    This would have been off-putting had he not asked it so nonchalantly, and with an inviting smile on his face that suggested he wanted nothing more than to listen to your life story. Most of my teen-aged friends mumbled a lot of ”Uh’s”, and ”I don’t knows.” It would be nice to think any of us could offer more than teen-aged mumbles to that question, if asked today, but could you? How comfortable would you be to ”tell me something about yourself.”

    I typed out a few words on the application the same way I answer the question, ”How are you today?” I didn’t even stop to think about sincerity. I typed what I thought the questioner probably wanted to hear. Not too much. Not too deep. Nothing controversial. I am committed to the idea of a fluid concept of self, with a guarded reserve of core beliefs and values that make me, me. But, I didn’t figure they needed my philosophy on perpetual change and personal growth in the space of a tweet.

    Yet, considering these things, and my off-hand response on the application, here I am, hours later, still thinking about how important that question really is. 

    What can you really tell someone else about yourself? What is the minimum amount of information you can share that will still reveal the true you? Not just what you do. Not just what your achievements are? But who you are. Your claim to fame. 

    How would you answer that question to yourself?

    I believe the answer to that starts with what you tell yourself about yourself. Is the narrator living in your head kind, or harsh?  Do you entertain internal false pretenses about what kind of person you really are? Do you feel compelled to present an illusion of a person that doesn’t really exist, trying to either please or fool others, while maybe just fooling yourself?

    There’s a verse in scripture that asserts, ”As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”

    I have no reason to doubt it. How could it be otherwise? You cannot be different than what you really think you are. You are not who you pretend to be to other people, or Facebook friends. You’re the you that you have to try to go to sleep with every night. And just who is that?

    Not every situation calls for an in-depth dissertation, obviously, But knowing yourself is fundamental to a life lived well. If you don’t know who you are, what your ”claim to fame” is, then who is the person doing the living? You get to play the role in life you choose to play. You get to star in your own movie, in a role no one else can possibly play the way you can. That’s way more exciting and fulfilling than trying to be someone else.

    That same uncle had a little wooden plaque in his guest bathroom that read:

    Be what you is

    Cause if you be what you ain’t

    Then you ain’t what you is.

    Note: Here is a good book that delves deeper into some of these thoughts.