Greg Proffit Writing

Tag: self-care

  • Be A Friend To Yourself – A Real One

    Be A Friend To Yourself – A Real One

    Be a friend to yourself. A real one. Photo showing real friends having honest discussion.
    Real friends appreciate honest support that comes from the willingness to offer even painful truths. (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)

    # 59 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Do not tolerate behavior in yourself that you would not support and respect in a friend.

    Do your friends ever seek your advice with their problems? If so, do you tell them what you know they want to hear? Or do you tell them what you believe they need to hear? 

    There is a Proverb that speaks to this issue:

    ”Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful [because they serve his hidden agenda].”

    ~Proverbs 27:6 (Amplified Bible)

    Which begs the question, what is a friend?

    Real friendship implies the permission to say (and listen to) the hard things…to tell (and hear) the truth. 

    This excludes 99.9% of your social media followers.

    Admittedly, there are even RL relationships that don’t meet this standard. We may call those people ”friends”, but they’re not really friends. Not in any meaningful way. You can tell if someone is a friend by what you tolerate, and what you respect. You may hang out with someone you don’t respect, but you sure as hell won’t solicit their advice on anything important. And you can also gauge the quality of the relationship by their openness to your input and advice.

    Friends offer each other correction and constructive criticism. Even if it stings. No, especially when it stings. You tell your friend the hard things because you love them. You ”wound” them with your words because you are concerned about the course they are on. Your silence could lead to worse wounds than your words could ever cause. To remain silent, or to offer encouragement, would not only be un-friendly, it would border on the actions of an enemy.

    Think of the last time you had the opportunity to faithfully wound a friend. Did you tell your friend the truth? Even if it was a hard truth? If you did, you are a true friend, and one of life’s most valuable treasures. After all, we can get enemies to tell us what we want to hear. But, when a friend stings you with their words, you’ve just received helpful insight that a thousand hours with a therapist won’t equal. Hopefully this is what you did, and it was received in the spirit in which you offered it.

    If you didn’t speak up, or felt you couldn’t; or you did, and it was brushed off, rebutted, and refuted, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Is it really a friendship, or is it something less. More than an acquaintance, perhaps, but less than a friend…far less.

    Take the medicine you would offer

    Using this framework, apply the same approach to any problems for which you need advice, and to any areas where you suspect you have flaws you won’t ignore in people you care about.

    If a friend brought you these issues, what would you say? To one in the same situation, would you offer truth? Or, would you be mere acquaintance? Would your silence or your appeasing words amount to the kisses of an enemy? 

    Can you follow the same advice, and take the same medicine, however hard, you would offer your friend if the roles were reversed? 

    Granted, there are issues we can’t see clearly for ourselves. So I’m not suggesting that self-diagnosis, or self-care is always enough. It’s not. Some issues require another ”set of eyes”. Our so-called blind spots, for instance, are impossible to see alone. But sometimes, we indulge and excuse behaviors we would never support or respect if a friend did the same. 

    ”Friends don’t let friends drive drunk” comes to mind. But that’s not all those who care about each other won’t let each other do.

    Be a friend to yourself, and fill in the blank with anything and everything in your life you know you would never let a friend do without speaking up and trying to stop it. Now, as hard as it may be, take your own advice. Remember, faithful are the wounds of a friend.

  • Go Granular When You Feel Bad

    Go Granular When You Feel Bad

    This woman feels bad. Is she lonely, stressed, tired, overwhelmed, or depressed? We would have to go granular to find out.
    Saying this woman feels “bad” doesn’t reveal much about what she’s really feeling. We would have to go granular to find out. (Adobe Stock Image: licensed by author)

    # 45 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: In the face of negative emotions, go as granular as you can to analyze and identify exactly what it is you’re feeling. Generalities like, ”I’m just sad,” won’t work.

    No matter your optimism, positive-mindedness, or mental toughness, there will be times when you feel bad. Unfortunately, this fact besieges and ensnares us all. Even those whose practice is to deny negative emotions, for a moment feel bad enough to trigger their denial response. It is neither a crime, nor a sin, to feel bad. In the physical world, pain is a signal that something is damaged or injured and needs protective care. Ignoring physical pain can lead to permanent damage. 

    This is also true of emotional pain. Ignoring or denying mental and emotional pain is not an effective strategy if mental and emotional health is the goal. Neither are generalizations a good remedy. Telling yourself, or others, ”I’m just down today,” or, ”I just feel bad,” doesn’t give any clues either to what it is you’re really feeling, or to the cause. Think of the last time someone mouthed this to you. Did their, ”I just feel bad,” provide enough useful information to offer a solution or ease their suffering?

    Sometimes, we guard our privacy by deflecting unwanted attention away from our down times. Uttering a generic, ”I’m just a little down,” can be a defensive, avoidance technique. However, it’s not healthy to do this to yourself. One practice that is helpful is to probe deeper than these surface generalities to unmask exactly, precisely what you’re feeling. 

    Emotional Nuance Is More Than Semantics

    There is a difference between ”sadness,” and depression, and between depression, and anxiety. Likewise, are you ”upset,” or frustrated? ”Angry,” or just annoyed? Do you feel ”hurt,” or ashamed? Are you simply ”bothered,” or do you feel overlooked and invisible? These nuances of emotional intensity and precision are more than mere semantics.

    Going ”granular” yields analysis of your feelings with specificity. And the process of ferreting out precisely what you’re feeling, will often reveal why you’re feeling it. Oftentimes, this discovery is the insight you need to change the way you feel. Sometimes this happens instantly. Other times, you’ll come away with a hard-won lesson that can bring beauty and wisdom from the pain. At minimum, you will have a diagnostic tool revealing the root causes of the matter. 

    The next time you feel bad, go as granular as you can. Dive deeply to discover exactly what you’re feeling. You’ll likely also uncover the ”why” of your negative emotions, and this awareness will equip you to address the roots, and not just the bad, surface fruits, represented by those generic ”bad” feelings.