What's a gold medal, a healthier population, combatting starvation, or providing housing security to fellow humans compared to custom-made Astronaut wings, I ask ya?

Alternate International Competitions — Gold Medals Aren’t Everything

other national competitions
Photo by Bill Jelen on Unsplash

The Tokyo Olympic Games have provided a pastime for many of us recently. We’ve watched with feelings of awe and pride as our nation’s athletes have competed for gold and glory. The hype surrounding this quadrennial event makes it understandable if some of you have become distracted from alternate international competitions. This little piece should help bring you up to speed

There’s more to international competition than the Olympics

Dan Rather, former news anchor and author, Tweeted recently that Canada has surpassed Israel as the country with the highest vaccination rates among its eligible population. This achievement is worthy of note. It reveals the care that Canadians obviously feel for one another. All the empathetic Canadians deserve their own gold medals. They have valued social responsibility on par with individual liberty. Israel is running a close second, with its citizens poised to take silver. That competition is not yet concluded.

Canada’s national accomplishment is at least on par with America’s most recent one. Namely, providing a home country to billionaire private citizens rich enough to slingshot themselves into space for a few minutes riding personal rocket ships—funded at least partly by avoiding taxes. 

What’s a gold medal, a healthier population, combatting starvation, or providing housing security to fellow humans compared to custom-made Astronaut wings, I ask ya?

As a result of it’s love affair with monopolists, America is poised for continued success in the billionaire rocket ride competition. Could a dynasty be in the offing? Who cares that we have never performed that well in luge? What’s a sled compare to a hulking rocket? And rockets can be outfitted for paying customers, too—unlike a bobsled.

Consequently, America’s billionaire class are undoubtedly hard at work spending money to build or do other things no one has ever thought to do. A dubious achievement that used to meet with little fanfare and perhaps even a stint in either a corrections or mental health facility. Who says America isn’t Progressive?

Where America really shines

No country is close to surpassing the United States in this epic struggle for national prestige.

“America, home of the highest number of self-proclaimed Astronauts!”

(At least we can be #1 in something. It sure won’t be caring for our fellow man.)

One can, however, argue Canada’s achievement wins on points for total beneficial impact. I could be wrong. 

Some Americans may feel better from watching the most outrageous display of “I got mine” in the history of humankind. I can’t speak for everyone. If you’re one of them, comment below. Let us all know how your life has improved.

A proposed new individual event

I’d like to propose a new event. One that allows betting. I would pit anyone with the social intelligence of the typical junior-high student against our illustrious newest Astronauts — Commanders Branson and Bezos — in one competition (and wager everything I own on the student). 

The competition I have in mind? It will be called: Reading The Room.

These first two Tone Deaf Billionaire Bs would not be the only eligible competitors. Anyone who purchases their Astronaut wings (albeit from a very, very expensive box of Cracker Jacks) would automatically qualify for the competition.

Some of us feel apologetic

We do owe a national apology to all the other Astronauts in America’s history. In fact, for what it’s worth, I’d like to extend that apology to all genuine Astronauts, everywhere.They became so after an arduous and rigorous process requiring more than the highly refined skill of vacuuming up other people’s money the way a black hole vacuums up light.

Though I will concede that skill does deserve its own title.

A medals podium? How about a village stocks instead?

That these astronauts weren’t immediately arrested upon landing, placed in stocks at the town center and pelted with rotted cabbages and tomatoes for days—says as much about modern, tolerant, demure, money-whipped America as anyone needs to know.

Come to think of it, that could lead to a whole new event? Hmmm… this has possibilities.

I hope this quick scan of alternate international competitions has increased your familiarity with these unique pathways to national prestige, inspiring you to the appreciation of truly important greatness when you see it.

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