# 67 on my 99 Life Tips–A List is: Do not take yourself too seriously. You aren’t the same you as you were at five, or perhaps at twenty-five. You are fluid and dynamic. Today’s “you” may vanish tomorrow, just as a stormy, wind-tossed ocean may tomorrow be as smooth as glass.
Learn to laugh at yourself
The ability to laugh at oneself is a life skill to cultivate. It’s tied to the realization, often hard won, that you are fallible and sometimes weak but still resilient and worthy of love. You are a work in progress. The edits aren’t all in. So don’t take this present draft, this iteration, too seriously.
The capacity for change is one of the enduring and ennobling traits of this life. From birth, we change and morph and develop and grow. Our beliefs vacillate, our energies fluctuate, faced with defects we compensate, and all of this admixture forms a distillate; the current self occupying today.
So, for the semblance of stability, if we’re both lucky and wise, we discover some values around which to pour concrete and anchor down. We drop anchor on a belief, or a lover, or a quest. You can find us moored there for a while.
As sure as the wind changes, our course can change, too. We can hoist the anchor, scrape the barnacles, unfurl the mainsail, and ride the wind. You may not see me here tomorrow. It’s possible tomorrow’s version may be different altogether—other than the wrapper. If I haven’t spoken to you in 5 years, I’ll wager you’re a different person. The physical resemblance might prove vaguely familiar, but internally you will have changed. There is plenteous truth in the trope:
“We are always in the process of becoming. Self-identity is a fusion of our prior decisions and our current thoughts.”
Think of the applications in your life. Your age, your health, your knowledge, your experience; all are in flux. What’s your longest running good habit? Which version of you should we take seriously? Which is the real you?
Nothing in life is static
Now, lest I wax too poetic, or else get too serious in a ditty contrived to convince you not to take yourself too seriously, let me encourage you with those words of wisdom that have come to us through the years:
This too shall pass.
~ Anonymous
I hated hearing that during a struggle. Because in the middle of one you’re consumed. It’s serious business. Sometimes you can’t see your way out or to the other side. But friend, there is a way out, and there is another side. And either way, like it or not, the quote is true, and the struggles we face turn us into different versions of ourselves. I find it helpful to remember neither good fortune nor bad lasts forever, as it says so poignantly in the Grateful Dead’s Stella Blue:
“There’s nothing you can hold for very long.”
~ Grateful Dead: Stella Blue
Since our layover on this plane of existence is so brief, let’s not get too bogged down in the mire and minutiae of personal insults and minor snubs. Better to smile, shrug, and move on. Exemplify resilience. On the other hand, when you’re riding high in April, remember not to gloat, May is coming.
So, let’s laugh more than we cry and love more than we hate and like good boy-scouts, let’s leave things better than we found them. Do not take yourself too seriously. After all, no one is going to remember all the great things you do for yourself, nor all the high-minded opinions you espoused. They’ll remember what you did for them and how you made them feel. Take others seriously and you’ll do a lot more good, receive lots more love, and have a lot more fun.
What would it look like fixed? Probably not like this…(Dreamstime Image: licensed to the author)
# 60 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: You cannot solve any problem without having a clear picture of the solution in mind. Ask, ”what would it look like fixed?” borrowed from David Allen.
Because this is one of my favorite questions, and has been so life-changing for me, I secured the domain whatwoulditlooklikefixed.com a few years ago, where I will eventually build out a self-help site based around this idea. I’m happy to share it here with you.
I was introduced to the concept in David Allen’s book: Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity. I highly recommend the book if you want to dive deeper into the whole system of personal productivity and time management Allen espouses.
Answering what would it look like fixed has become the starting point of my entire problem-solving heuristic.
The premise is simple. A problem arises. You want to fix it. So far, so good…
But fixing problems requires answers to two questions:
1- What is the true problem? (This is a book in its own right)
2- What would absence of the problem look like, or conversely, what would it look like fixed?
Until you answer these two questions problems manifest will remain problems unsolved
How often have you set out to fix a problem without first discovering what was really bothering you, or having a definite, clear idea of what needed to happen to not feel bothered by it anymore? If you’ve done this, you know how frustrating it can be to multiply effort using the wrong means for the wrong ends with no clear plan. (Which probably describes the typical workday of millions of people). And maybe this too accurately describes normal life for a lot of people as well.
So, since you certainly want to avoid adding frustration to the feelings you already have about your issue. Do the hard work, the meaningful work, up front. The hard work is actually mental, involving thinking and imagination. You’re creating a world where your problem doesn’t exist. In this world, you vanquished the burden. It’s gone. Exterminated. Kaput.
This picture gives you both a target state to achieve and the inspiration to achieve it. Don’t worry yet on what will have to happen to make this vision come to pass. That’s another part of the problem-solving process. Without a clearly defined destination, further steps in the process are tantamount to walking in circles.
From Concept to Concrete
This is how, precisely how, all the man-made reality that you look around you and see, gets from concept to concrete. Things go from abstract idea to tangible reality by answering some variation of this one question.
What would it look like fixed?
If you want to solve a problem and don’t have this idea clearly in mind, how will you know when you’re done? How will you gauge success at eliminating the problem. Do you see the dilemma? Unless you can clearly state, in specific language, ”This problem will be fixed when ______________.” happens, all efforts will amount to pushing in the clutch on a car, stomping the accelerator, and redlining the engine in a screaming cloud of smoke and fury, but the car goes nowhere.
Instead, do the hard work up front. Get a clear picture of exactly what fixed would look like, then use the appropriate means to reach that desired end. (A subject for another day).
Real friends appreciate honest support that comes from the willingness to offer even painful truths. (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
# 59 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Do not tolerate behavior in yourself that you would not support and respect in a friend.
Do your friends ever seek your advice with their problems? If so, do you tell them what you know they want to hear? Or do you tell them what you believe they need to hear?
There is a Proverb that speaks to this issue:
”Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful [because they serve his hidden agenda].”
Real friendship implies the permission to say (and listen to) the hard things…to tell (and hear) the truth.
This excludes 99.9% of your social media followers.
Admittedly, there are even RL relationships that don’t meet this standard. We may call those people ”friends”, but they’re not really friends. Not in any meaningful way. You can tell if someone is a friend by what you tolerate, and what you respect. You may hang out with someone you don’t respect, but you sure as hell won’t solicit their advice on anything important. And you can also gauge the quality of the relationship by their openness to your input and advice.
Friends offer each other correction and constructive criticism. Even if it stings. No, especially when it stings. You tell your friend the hard things because you love them. You ”wound” them with your words because you are concerned about the course they are on. Your silence could lead to worse wounds than your words could ever cause. To remain silent, or to offer encouragement, would not only be un-friendly, it would border on the actions of an enemy.
Think of the last time you had the opportunity to faithfully wound a friend. Did you tell your friend the truth? Even if it was a hard truth? If you did, you are a true friend, and one of life’s most valuable treasures. After all, we can get enemies to tell us what we want to hear. But, when a friend stings you with their words, you’ve just received helpful insight that a thousand hours with a therapist won’t equal. Hopefully this is what you did, and it was received in the spirit in which you offered it.
If you didn’t speak up, or felt you couldn’t; or you did, and it was brushed off, rebutted, and refuted, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Is it really a friendship, or is it something less. More than an acquaintance, perhaps, but less than a friend…far less.
Take the medicine you would offer
Using this framework, apply the same approach to any problems for which you need advice, and to any areas where you suspect you have flaws you won’t ignore in people you care about.
If a friend brought you these issues, what would you say? To one in the same situation, would you offer truth? Or, would you be mere acquaintance? Would your silence or your appeasing words amount to the kisses of an enemy?
Can you follow the same advice, and take the same medicine, however hard, you would offer your friend if the roles were reversed?
Granted, there are issues we can’t see clearly for ourselves. So I’m not suggesting that self-diagnosis, or self-care is always enough. It’s not. Some issues require another ”set of eyes”. Our so-called blind spots, for instance, are impossible to see alone. But sometimes, we indulge and excuse behaviors we would never support or respect if a friend did the same.
”Friends don’t let friends drive drunk” comes to mind. But that’s not all those who care about each other won’t let each other do.
Be a friend to yourself, and fill in the blank with anything and everything in your life you know you would never let a friend do without speaking up and trying to stop it. Now, as hard as it may be, take your own advice. Remember, faithful are the wounds of a friend.
Cam Ward in goal, before giving up 5 and winding up in his own net.(Photo by author)
# 55 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Conflicts are unavoidable. Sometimes the most moral stance possible is to engage.
The first sentence ”Conflicts are unavoidable,” needs no proof. The second requires a book. Perhaps I will write it one day. I’m on my 3rd draft of this essay. I started with Friedrich Nietzsche, and Thrasymachus from Plato’s dialogues. And I went from there to invoke MLK, Jr, then Thoreau and Lincoln, and on to the great social and moral conflicts of the last century and a half. Those drafts outgrew a blog article.
For now, I will attempt to defend the second sentence with a personal anecdote about a night at a hockey game.
I’m a sports fan. Athletic contests involve both skill and luck. I’ve been a fan long enough to experience times when the best team hasn’t won. And other times, the team I’m pulling for just isn’t the best team. But I’ve only jumped in to engage one time as a fan, giving full throat to my righteous indignation…and it was a disaster.
A promising start to a celebratory night
A few years ago, for my birthday, my girlfriend got us tickets to see the Carolina Hurricanes play the defending Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins in Raleigh. This was a rare and special treat.
We stayed at a swanky hotel not far from the arena, and took an Uber so we could have some adult beverages at the game.
She got excellent seats maybe three to four rows from the ice. I was decked out in my Hurricanes jersey, and I drained a couple of bourbon’s from the concession stand during warmups, excitedly waiting for the first period puck drop.
Prior to the start, I noticed a lot of gold and black around us, (Pittsburgh’s team colors), and quite a few Malkin and Crosby jerseys. (Pittsburgh’s All-Star players). They had won last year’s Cup, so I was sure there were a lot of bandwagon Penguins fans who had come to watch their team. I was mildly annoyed, since this was a Hurricanes home game, but I thought the rival fans were about to suffer some serious disappointment. No worries.
It was not to be.
By the mid-way point of the game, the ‘Canes were behind 4-0. It could have been a lot worse. The ice was tilted towards whichever end held the Hurricanes goal. The puck and the action stayed in the Hurricanes zone, and four times wound up in the back of their net. On this night the home team was seriously outmatched.
I was dismayed. And I probably could have handled the loss if not for the sea of black and gold clad high-fives around us every time the Penguins notched another goal. The Pittsburgh fans were riotous. And then, they got rude…
The conflict appears, and rapidly escalates
Shortly after the start of the last period, with the outcome of the game clearly decided, the Penguins wanted to rub salt in the wound. They dumped the puck into the Hurricanes zone. The goal was on the end of the ice right in front of our seats, as it had been in the first period.
On this particular play, one of the Pittsburgh players, skating in hard to control the puck away from the flat-footed Carolina defensemen, happened to clip the ‘Canes goalie with his skate, tripping him to the ice. No call from the referees, who let play continue, ignoring what I thought was an obvious tripping penalty. I was livid. And I yelled out my frustration.
Somehow the Hurricanes cleared the puck out of harm’s way as their goalkeeper, Cam Ward, scrambled back to his goal crease, to defend his net.
On the very next play down the ice, one of Pittsburgh’s most notorious players, Patrick Hornqvist, barreled into Ward, knocking him backwards into his own net. The collision happened just as another Pittsburgh player let fly a wrist shot towards the net. Ward went flying ass over tea kettle, even knocking the goal off its moorings, but not before the puck had crossed the goal line, making the score 5-0.
To me, this was an obvious case of goaltender interference. The goal should have been disallowed, and the Hurricanes should have gone on the power play with a man advantage.
But no. Not only was there no penalty. The goal was allowed and the Pittsburgh fans began to mock and jeer and laugh at Ward and the pathetic, disheartened Hurricane players. They were jumping up and down and high-fiving each other, and pointing at the overhead scoreboard in obvious glee.
Excuse me while I make a fool of myself
I popped. This time when I stood to yell, I was screaming at all of Pittsburgh. I yelled profanities at the referees, at the players, and to my girlfriend’s horror, to the fans seated in front of and around us. I was a complete ass. But I was standing up for my team, by God!
Typically, a hockey team, when seeing one of its players physically maligned by an illegal or particularly aggressive hit, will defend their teammate and ”police” the action by fighting for him. Especially so, when it is their goalie.
Not on this night. Not these players. The Hurricanes skated around meekly with their tails tucked between their legs where their testosterone ought to have been. I’ve seen Olympic ice dancers with more fortitude.
I idiotically acted like I could make up for it, and defend the weak with my embarrassing tirade. It’s a small miracle that I didn’t start a fight myself, one that could have put me in the hospital.
In an athletic contest, with no moral or social ramifications whatsoever, I engaged. I engaged even though I was just a fan, with zero power to affect the outcome. I was just there to watch and enjoy the experience with my girlfriend, regardless of the outcome. At least, I should have been there for that alone. To my everlasting shame, I let my emotions and allegiances dictate my behavior.
This story illustrates what my tip means. In reverse.
Hey look! Everybody has an opinion. Gee, does that mean I should want the good opinion of everybody? (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
# 54 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: The good opinion of some people is not worth having.
If you followed the advice in Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think About You, and stopped caring what other people think about you, shouldn’t you still want everyone’s good opinion? What’s the harm in that? On the surface this seems desirable. Whence then, the assertion, since this is not so much a tip, that some good opinions are not worth having?
A Matter Of Respect
This is primarily a matter of respect. The degree of respect you have for the boss or the customer, the friend or the stranger, the critic or the fan, is what gives value to their opinion, or else devalues it.
And there are at least two things that affect the level of your respect. They are character, and expertise. It is appropriate to give higher weight to the opinions of those with high character or proven expertise in any combination. Likewise, the inverse is true. It is safe and even advisable to discount the opinions of those with low or poor character, and/or zero or limited experience and expertise.
I’m sure you can think of someone whose opinion of you is less than meaningless. Not only do you not care what they think, you’d be embarrassed if they had a good opinion of you. Their regard would serve as an indictment of your character.
Is the person you have in mind a scoundrel or criminal? If so, they are probably at the extreme end of your personal scale. As you slide the scale upwards, you’ll reach a point at which opinions begin to have some meaning and value, at least as benchmarks.
Desiring Good Opinions Is Natural
Even if you don’t struggle with receiving your sense of worth from the opinions of others, and even if your sense of who you are is self-determined, and not foisted upon you, none of us are completely immune to feelings that naturally arise when we hear the opinions of others expressed about us or our work. This happens in the workplace. It’s true with the views expressed by those closest to us. And is especially true when you’re a creator. The desire for positive feedback is natural.
Putting your work out for public consumption is one of the most vulnerable, and therefore terrifying, things you can do. It leaves many potential creatives paralyzed. Self-doubt erodes confidence. And it leaves many sheltering in place for years, preferring to feel the regret over not trying, rather than face the potential shame and horror of rejection and failure. Believe me, I know. Oscar Wilde shows the possibility of being an author and eventually arriving at a different state of mind. One in which the opposite becomes true. One in which good opinions may even alarm you. He clearly believed the good opinion of some people is not worth having.
This is an artist comfortable in his own skin and comfortable with his own views (Image from BrainyQuotes)
All Opinions Are Not Created Equal
I’m not there. Perhaps few are. Sometimes the only feedback you have is the opinions of others. But all opinions are not created equal. The opinion of readers has value. Although, for a writer, the opinion of readers who are also writers is more valuable than that of non-writers, because familiarity with the difficulties of the craft makes the perspective and opinions of fellow writers more credible.
I’ve found thus far on my short journey as a daily writer, that the criticisms and edits suggested in love by my girlfriend, are of more worth to me than any number of accolades by strangers commenting online. It’s not that those good opinions aren’t worth having at all, it’s that they are worth far less than the honest, if pointed, opinion of someone who has seen me at my worst yet still believes in me at my best.
I’ll leave you with this final thought. While I believe the good opinion of some people is not worth having, I do think it’s worthwhile to have someone in your life who will push you to be your best, even if they’ve seen you at your worst. I’m aiming to be that kind of writer. Even though I don’t know you, I’m of a mind that there is far too much unrealized good in most people.
Therefore, the good opinion of anyone, who, by their assurances and affirmations, causes you to be complacent and contented with either subpar character, or shoddy work, whose approval and acceptance induces you to a lesser version of yourself, is also not worth having. At least that’s my opinion, for what it’s worth.
Woman shamed by the accusations of others. Her feelings about herself shaped by their opinions about her. (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
# 53 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: It is a trap to care too much what other people think about you. There are only 2 or 3 people who matter, and one of them is you.
Consider the following sources
Mark Manson, in his excellent book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, tackles this one head on. The whole book is dedicated to the proposition that you should stop caring what other people think about you.
2650 years ago, around 625 B.C., another writer with a surly attitude, Jeremiah, said this:
”This is what the LORD says: “Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the LORD.”
He flat out called it a curse to trust in the opinions of others. He said this amounted to a heart that ”departed from the Lord.”
These sources may not be convincing enough. So, if this malady has you trapped, here are ten great quotes to ponder for further encouragement to freedom from other’s opinions.
I’ve read Manson’s book. And, I’ve also read Jeremiah. I have profound appreciation for the weeping prophet, who warned Israel of the consequences of their apostasy, and then stood and wept as the consequences unfolded. He didn’t gloat and say, “I told you so.” And, I also like all ten quotes I linked. But my all time favorite is:
”Woe to you when all the people speak well of you…”
Granted, you may place no stock whatsoever in Biblical, or scriptural authority. I do not fault you for that. But consider, if all people spoke well of you, and none thought badly, that would mean you are satisfactory to even the most despicable. No? That being the case, what exactly have you gained that is so precious?
Johnny Cash had it this way:
”It is good to know who hates you, and it is good to be hated by the right people.”
I could cite sources indefinitely. But if you struggle with this, it is real to you. I sympathize. Really. My girlfriend worries what complete strangers think of her when they are driving the car behind her and she is a little slow to move when a traffic light changes from red to green. She is kind and does not want to be an imposition. This inherent kindness is at least somewhat commendable.
But we’re talking about those whose identity and sense of self worth comes from the hoped for good opinion of others. There is nothing commendable about that. That is a trap, a curse, an undesirable end (even if attained), and not a good achievement at all. The trap is a mindset that makes your worth conditional upon your performance and its perception by others. To escape this trap, you must stop caring what other people think about you. You must see your worth as a person is more than a perfect, impeccable performance, or the meeting of expectations others have imposed upon you.
Brené Brown writes about the dynamics of all this, including how to develop what she calls, ”shame resilience,” in her excellent book, The Gifts of Imperfection. I highly recommend it for her in-depth analysis born of her years studying and analyzing shame and our responses to it.
Examples to consider
But, to pursue the topic further here, let me ask you, is it more important to be honest, or for someone to think you’re honest? If you are an honest person, you are honest regardless of who believes it, right? And vice versa, if you are dishonest, you remain so regardless of your ability to coax a good opinion from others. Truth, especially truth about character, is unswayed by belief.
Let me also ask, have you ever changed your mind and opinion about anyone in your life? Isn’t it possible you felt one way about them, learned something new, and now you feel a different way? This happens to me so often, I just assume it happens to most people. This predisposition to change notions is enough to make me look for emotional stability elsewhere than the opinions of others.
And finally, when considering practical examples, do you suppose those whose good opinion you crave have no flaws and imperfections of their own? Are you the only person beset by occasional errors? If other people have faults, weaknesses, and flaws, their opinions will also be faulty, weak, and flawed, just as yours are at times. This is universally true for each of us. You may want to treat this fact as a fact, and in so doing, devalue those oft flawed opinions accordingly.
Self Esteem is the Approval You Give Yourself – It does not come from Others
Self-esteem by definition is the esteem you give to yourself. It is the respect, regard, admiration, and approbation you account to your own credit. Many, especially those who suffer from the topic of this article, are confused as to its nature and are actually searching for Other-Esteem. This would be the esteem granted by those outside your self. Self-esteem is born of good character. It is strengthened each time you do the right thing. If you want to build yours, simply do the next right thing you know to do. Keep doing this. Soon, you’ll know yourself to be the kind of person who can know what is right to do and do it. It is the most highly subjective, relative, and individualized of all the emotions.
Life is too short to knowingly live wrong. I enjoy the challenge of being and becoming the kind of person I can respect. I personally refuse to live with a bad conscience. If I have wronged someone, I make it right at any expense. By the same token, I refuse to let someone else’s opinion of me intrude into that inner sanctum. I refuse to allow another’s bad opinion or me, give me an undeserving bad or bothered conscience. I stopped caring what other people think about me a long time ago.
Whose Opinion Should You Care About?
I care what I think about me. The degree of care I have for anyone else’s opinion is based entirely upon whether they have, by proven demonstration, shown that they consistently and ardently want the best for me, for my own sake, and not for what they stand to gain. There is about 1 other person in my life currently who fits that description and meets that criterion. Possibly 2, but that fluctuates, and if their opinion about me changed, I would be sad, but not crushed. It has changed before and changed back again. Which is to say, no one’s opinions are guaranteed to remain stable indefinitely.
And I care what God thinks. Not because I believe I can behave well enough to get him to love me more. I cannot. Neither can I behave badly enough to get him to stop loving. But, I care what He thinks because He’s proven that He wants what is best for me, and that I am too shortsighted and ignorant to know what that is at all times.
Opinions Can Encourage You Without Owning You
The one caveat that I will admit to is this. I know that I am my own worst critic. While I generally like myself, and as I’ve stated, I endeavor to keep a clear conscience, I am hard on my creative products. Without the encouragement of friends, and even strangers, I might be too discouraged to continue the attempt to create content that may provide value to some. So, I allow room for the encouragement to continue those efforts.
But let me be plain. I may care what people think about what I do, or what I say, or what I write. But I could not, in general, care any less about what people think of who I am. This works for me, it keeps me from being trapped by the opinions of others. I don’t seek esteem from that quarter. And since I don’t seek it there, I’m never disappointed not to receive it from there. Your mileage may vary, but I highly encourage you to stop caring what other people think about you. You’ll thank me. You’ll appreciate me. But I won’t really care if you do or not.
Emotional Intelligence starts with the recognition that All Emotions Are Valid
# 44 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Allow everyone in your life to feel how they feel, they’re going to anyway. If you tell them they shouldn’t feel a certain way, you’re alienating yourself by your own emotional ignorance.
To start, I want to acknowledge and thank John Gottman, author of multiple books, relationship and marriage therapist par excellence, and founder of the John Gottman Institute, where many fine people continue his work on relationships and emotional maturity. Many of the things I will touch on in this article I learned from reading his books and watching his videos and Ted Talks (like this one with over a million views).
I’ll also be linking to several articles for further reading. I promise I’m not intentionally plagiarizing any specific comment, phrase, or idea, but after 16 years of assimilation, I’ve adopted a lot of the language as my own.
Wow. Where do I start with this one? It is regrettable that I discovered the truth that all feelings are valid, far too late in my life. 40 years old, married, and the father of 7 kids, I was an emotional idiot, alternately over or under reacting to the negative emotions of the people around me. I even became a full-time minister. Nevertheless, I possessed zero, ZERO emotional intelligence. Why? Mostly because of how I was raised, and consequently conditioned, to deal with negative emotions.
Before proceeding, it must be noted that emotions, typically thought of as feelings, are not just feelings. They are behaviors, too. The feeling of anger can give rise to an outburst (behavior). Negative emotions form patterned responses (including associated behaviors) from a young age.
Four Parenting Styles
Gottman identifies four distinct parenting styles that influence the development of these patterned reactions. These styles imprint children for dealing with negative emotions as they grow into adulthood. I’ve linked an article outlining each of the styles. Only one of them can develop emotionally stable kids who grow up to be emotionally intelligent and emotionally mature adults. That style is the ”Emotion Coach”.
Emotion Coach parents recognize the validity of a child’s negative feelings, and help their child work out appropriate responses. This is the crux of the matter if you ever hope to become emotionally intelligent, benefitting both yourself and the people with whom you are in relationship. All emotions are valid, even if all responses are not.
I wasn’t raised by an Emotion Coach. I was raised to deny negative emotions, to ignore them, and to distract myself from them. My mom was a bi-polar, suicidal alcoholic who took her own emotional medicine. When she felt bad, which was often, she wrote bad checks, or passed out drunk, or slept with inappropriately aged young men, or sometimes…took handfuls of pills.
Whenever I felt bad it was, ”Here honey, you don’t need to feel that way, have a drink.” And when I got angry, she’d get just as angry, or worse, apparently believing the way to exorcise anger was to blow it out of your system. We could be angry together. It was us against the stupid world.
Being A Christian Doesn’t Impart Emotional Intelligence
So, of course, my life followed the stereotypical pattern. I didn’t like to feel bad. I had learned that I shouldn’t have to feel along with many ways to make myself feel better. Sex, and cocaine, and weed were great ways to avoid, ignore, or distance myself from negative emotions.
This wasn’t going to end well, but it was definitely going to end.
At 21, I became a serious Christian. I mean really serious. But reading and memorizing large swaths of the Bible didn’t make me emotionally intelligent. In some ways, my poor understanding of Jesus and Christianity made me less so. If a Christian feels bad, it’s their fault, right? God doesn’t feel bad. Jesus doesn’t. If you feel bad, you must be doing something wrong that more prayer, or listening to more teaching tapes on Faith, or attending more meetings on Sundays and Wednesday nights can fix.
In short, I grew up believing that feeling bad is not okay. Feeling bad when you’re a Christian is REALLY not ok. I mean, what’s the point?
Maybe you grew up in a lion’s den, too. Maybe you were taught to deny your negative feelings because it is not acceptable to feel bad. I want to say however you feel right now is valid. It is how you feel. You don’t have to rationalize those feelings or justify them to anyone. They are yours, and you are entitled to them. I’m sure if we could all see inside your life and your head, we’d understand a lot better why you feel as you do. And if we couldn’t, that’s our problem, not yours.
Having said that, all of your responses to your feelings are not appropriate. I’ll explain shortly.
Even as an ardent Christian, I went years in a state of emotional detachment to people. Growing up with a mom who routinely attempted suicide, and even more regularly threatened it, doesn’t exactly make one trust and value long-term relationships. I had seen her be gut-wrenchingly depressive so often, with nothing ever coming of it, that I completely detached if anyone around me ever cried or got upset. My mom’s drunken, cryee-faced, suicide routine had taught me that kind of drama wasn’t real, and not something to get too alarmed about.
Inappropriate Responses
For years, I was happy, rarely depressed, not a substance abuser, had a wife and kids, friends, and at 26, became a full-time minister.
Then, 12 years ago, after 22 and a half years of marriage, I found out my wife was cheating on me with an old high school ”friend” she had reconnected with on Facebook. I was so emotionally oblivious that it went on for 6 months before I discovered her treachery. But then, according to pattern, I was devastated and angry. Murderously angry.
Those feelings, given my situation, were completely valid. (I even had a licensed Christian marriage counselor tell me so). Feeling betrayed, I wanted to kill. That’s understandable. But actually killing either of them would have been horribly inappropriate. It wouldn’t have erased the adultery, it would have just put me in jail for murder.
That’s an extreme example, but it is my story, and I’m sticking with it.
I’m also ashamed to admit, that sometimes after my girls became teenagers, struggling with typical teenage girl problems, they would cry themselves to sleep at night, and I was emotionally unavailable. Sometimes I would make it worse by telling them to pray. I didn’t want them to feel bad. I offered many reasons why they shouldn’t…usually heavily laced with what I thought were uplifting scriptures. But my attempts were born out of a stupidity about the nature of emotions and emotional connection.
It seemed the more they cried and hurt, the more shut down and aloof I became.
This all changed one night when I picked up my 15 year old second daughter from a party with friends. I knew she had a crush on a boy at the party and on the way home I asked her about him. She became upset and teary as she explained that he had hardly paid any attention to her. Crying, she told me he had been obsessed with another girl. Then she told me how bad this made her feel about herself, and how she would never have a boyfriend.
It was the perfect opportunity for me to be a good, loving, understanding father to a teen-age daughter who just needed me to be there for her. It was a chance to hear her, validate her feelings, and relate to her that I had been rejected and ignored at her age too, and I understood how bad that could feel. I wish I had been that father.
Instead, I told her how silly it was to be upset. I explained that at her age nothing was going to come of this crush. And I told her that the boy was probably not ”godly” anyway and that she was much better off not getting any more involved with him. I told her to be thankful and to feel good that that was over. I can vaguely remember her looking at me incredulously with a tear-streaked face in the dark car. And I thought I had done so well trying to make her feel better.
The Turning Point
When we got home, I went about my normal routine and thought nothing more about it. After a while, I overheard her talking with her mom. She was crying and clearly upset. I got up and came into the kitchen where they were. My daughter was sitting on a barstool, her face in her hands. More teen-aged female drama, I thought. Hadn’t I already dealt with this and helped her get over it on the way home?
I said, ”You didn’t feel this way on the way home, and we get home and you fall to pieces?”
”I cried all the way home, Dad,” she said.
”What? Now, you’re just lying.” I said in return.
She jerked her head up, tears streaming, and I had the flashback of her face in the dark car. My emotional blindness astonished and floored me. After apologizing profusely to her, I retreated into my mind to try to understand how I had tuned out her emotions and her crying on the way home.
Though I had failed at getting her to ignore her bad feelings, I had succeeded in ignoring them myself. My patterned response to her crying had been to erase it from reality. So much that, to me, it didn’t even exist. I had marched into that kitchen in righteous indignation, clouded by emotional self-delusion, as if she was making up the whole dramatic scene just to curry compassion from her mother. I was stunned…in the best possible way.
Emotional Connection
The next day, I searched for the words ”Emotional Connection” and discovered John Gottman.
Do yourself a favor and watch a video, or read a book. Don’t be like me. Er, don’t be like I was!
I’m not that same detached, emotionally unavailable man anymore. It has taken work. Some of the time it has felt very artificial because my ingrained tendencies to deny, deflect, and distract were so deep. I’m no longer afraid to feel bad, quite the contrary. And I have the distinct pleasure and honor of hearing my girlfriend tell that I’m the most emotionally intelligent person she’s ever known.
I have the unspeakable satisfaction to be there for my kids when things are bad, knowing that now, I’m in it with them. I’m able to relate to their emotions, and validate them, and they know it. I’m much more the Emotion Coach now, even to my adult children. I teach and model for them that all emotions are valid, even if all responses are not. I’ve stopped telling them how to feel, or how they shouldn’t feel. I let them feel how they feel. They were always going to anyway.
And I have the chance to share these things with you, dear Reader. I hope you’ll find how affirming and strengthening it is when you allow the people in your life to feel how they feel without judging them, or trying to change their feelings, or ”make them feel better.”
One of life’s greatest gifts is a kind soul who will help us shoulder the burdens of times when we feel down. A friend and partner with whom we can share our hurts without fear of judgement. One who will hear us, hold us, be there through it with us, allowing us the space to feel all we need to feel, and who will help us respond appropriately. You can be that gift.
PS–
There are times you’ll be in a position to validate and affirm someone’s emotions, when you believe the reasons for their emotional state may not be sound. That can happen. When it does, I encourage you to connect emotionally. Tell the person you understand how they feel. You may even say something like, ”It’s understandable you feel that way since that’s how you see ____________.” The time to discuss the reasons for the feelings will come after you affirm the existence of the feelings.
Beware the confidence that you know what is good for you…no one can see very far down the tracks
# 31 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Beware of the confidence that you know what is good for you.
Soren Kierkegaard, the Danish philosopher of the middle-1800’s penned this famous quote in his journal. It is instructive as to why this tip to beware of the confidence that you know what is good for you is worth heeding.
“It is really true what philosophy tells us, that life must be understood backwards. But with this, one forgets the second proposition, that it must be lived forwards. A proposition which, the more it is subjected to careful thought, the more it ends up concluding precisely that life at any given moment cannot really ever be fully understood; exactly because there is no single moment where time stops completely in order for me to take position [to do this]: going backwards.”
~ Kierkegaard, Journal, 1843
This usually ends up shortened to:
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards”
Ibid
True Good Must Pass The Test Of Time
As a father to seven children, I’ve oft told another about a lesson I’ve shared with one of my kids. Sometimes, they have remarked to me, ”Oh, that is soooo good!” My reply has usually been, ”We’ll see in six months.” Goodness can pass the test of time. It’s best not to judge to soon.
As the philosopher noted, we do not have the luxury of time-travel while living. We are stuck on the railroad tracks of sequential time. One thing follows another. We are forced to respond on a moment by moment basis. Not being able to see far enough down the tracks of cause and effect, we don’t know at any particular moment how one thing, one decision, one attainment, or one disappointment, may turn out in the long run. If you cannot have the confidence of certainty about the future, isn’t it wise to beware of the confidence that you know what is good for you in the present? Because good is not just about immediate gratification, but also long-term effects.
I’ve said many times, one of the worst things I can get in life is what I want. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you should have it. Just because you think it is good for you, doesn’t mean it is. We are trapped in a short-sighted series of near-term decisions that produce unknowable long term effects.
True Good May Not Be What You Think It Is At All
On two occasions thus far, I have suffered the devastating loss of life. The me that was alive from birth to 21 died at a Grateful Dead show in March of 1986 when I met Jesus. My whole conception of right and wrong, truth and falsehood, good and bad, died with that 21 year old drug-addicted hippie. That me died in possession of a hundred-hit sheet of 3-day-old blotter acid, and tickets to 12 more concerts on the Spring Tour. Things that I was confident were very good for me. And a new me arose in his place. A better me, yes, but with similar limitations at being able to predict the future accurately.
Losing those ”good things”, this death and rebirth, was the first best thing that ever happened to me.
A Second Death; But This Was Good…Wasn’t It?
The second me died on May 15, 2009 when, under duress, I left my wife of 22 and a half years and a houseful of six minor children for whom I had given everything I had to give. They, including my unfaithful wife, were my whole life. Like a vessel ripped loose from its anchorage at a dock, I was completely un-moored from the reality I had known from age 23 to 45 and a half. That role and those relationships formed my entire conception of who I was. That me was as indissoluble from that life as if blue dye was dissolved in water. How would one ever separate them?
There was no “me” apart from the life I’d spent more than two decades living. And yet, through actions not mine to control, that version of me died; along with the at-home father and husband. Those things were so incredibly valuable and good to me, that the whole notion that I would ever see good again, died too.
And yet…
Life Can Only Be Understood Looking Backwards
Looking back these 12 years, this 3rd iteration of me can see and understand. I now know that this devastation was the second best thing that ever happened to me. Not only did it bring about a much needed humbling, it opened the door to a relationship with a life partner with whom I have never been more happy, more authentic, more complete, or more grateful.
I carry in my mind an appreciation for a God who may not keep bad things from happening to me, but who will be with me through them and will work them out for good. Almost like Someone who isn’t stuck in sequential time could see down the tracks and cause enough good to wipe away every tear.
So yes, I repeat, beware of the confidence that you know what is good for you. Rather, do your utmost to be good to others, treating them as you’d wish to be treated. And cultivate your awareness and relationship with One who can see further down the road of life than you, One who knows you better than you know yourself, and Who can love you more fully than you ever could love yourself. One who does know what is good for you. That’s a better place for your confidence.
