Right & Wrong are sometimes hard to discern. Other times not at all. Once you’ve decided, do not be Switzerland.
# 56 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: If a Hitler-like figure shows up in your life, or in the world, do not be Switzerland.
This tip is on my list because I don’t do neutral well. Being that way has worked for me. This history makes it natural for me to encourage you to shun neutrality, too. Sometimes things are black and white. Sometimes there is truth…and lies. In those times, I believe you should be objective, have a large perspective, but do not be Switzerland.
If, like me, you’ve ever been accused of having ”strong opinions”, it’s because you aren’t afraid to speak them. You may take that accusation as a compliment. I do. I mean, who wants to be known as the guy with ”weak opinions”?
Are you neutral because you are unsure, or because you’re afraid?
But, if taking a stand is something you struggle with, let’s consider your situation. Is your difficulty in thinking through a problem, coming to a conclusion, and choosing a side? Or does the fear come from revealing your position, once chosen?
Do you feel intimidated to speak up? If so, ask yourself if it’s because you are unsure of what is right and wrong in the issue at hand, or because you are unsure of yourself?
I can’t know for sure, but I want to believe Switzerland’s leaders knew right from wrong, but they feared the onslaught if they broke official neutrality. They were unsure of themselves, and whether they could withstand the storm of reprisal.
This is an important distinction. If you are unsure of the issue, due to complexity, or nuance, that can be solved by objectively regarding the evidence on both sides, and by an enlargement of your perspective. You can try to see the issue from every side.
Do this remembering there is room in life for a plurality of views. There is a time to be objective. An impartial, nonpartisan mindset assists in this information gathering stage. I’m glad it’s that way. One of my favorite historians, Will Durant, says that being philosophical boils down to having a “large perspective.” I also like that idea.
Widen your perspective to become a more objective thinker
The wider our perspective, the better thinkers we are about all sorts of problems. The more important the issue, the more we should gather and evaluate evidence for ourselves, pro and con, before reaching conclusions. Propagandized spin won’t do. That’s not evidence.
But as much as we may try to incorporate every point of view, and as objective as we strive to be, in the end we are left with our own perception of right and wrong. The scale will tip in one direction or the other. And forgive me if you feel this is too binary, but some things aren’t gray. Sometimes you are faced with actions or issues that are right or wrong. In those times, neutrality on your part may encourage and reinforce the wrongdoer. And encouragement and reinforcement are the neighbors of aiding and abetting.
Redefine success and increase your confidence
So, if your real uncertainty isn’t over the conclusions you reach, but over yourself, this is precisely the opportunity you need to change that. In this case, re-define success. Success is not changing the other person’s mind. It is speaking yours. Regardless of the response. And this success will beget confidence, which will beget further successes.
These opportunities are precisely the chance to prove to yourself that you are the kind of person with the backbone to stand up for what you see is right, and to resist what you believe is wrong.
Once you’ve been objective, enlarged your perspective, and reached your verdict, do not be Switzerland. Don’t cop out. What you gain in self-respect and self-esteem will more than make up for what you lose by resisting the wrong side.
Woman shamed by the accusations of others. Her feelings about herself shaped by their opinions about her. (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
# 53 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: It is a trap to care too much what other people think about you. There are only 2 or 3 people who matter, and one of them is you.
Consider the following sources
Mark Manson, in his excellent book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, tackles this one head on. The whole book is dedicated to the proposition that you should stop caring what other people think about you.
2650 years ago, around 625 B.C., another writer with a surly attitude, Jeremiah, said this:
”This is what the LORD says: “Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the LORD.”
He flat out called it a curse to trust in the opinions of others. He said this amounted to a heart that ”departed from the Lord.”
These sources may not be convincing enough. So, if this malady has you trapped, here are ten great quotes to ponder for further encouragement to freedom from other’s opinions.
I’ve read Manson’s book. And, I’ve also read Jeremiah. I have profound appreciation for the weeping prophet, who warned Israel of the consequences of their apostasy, and then stood and wept as the consequences unfolded. He didn’t gloat and say, “I told you so.” And, I also like all ten quotes I linked. But my all time favorite is:
”Woe to you when all the people speak well of you…”
Granted, you may place no stock whatsoever in Biblical, or scriptural authority. I do not fault you for that. But consider, if all people spoke well of you, and none thought badly, that would mean you are satisfactory to even the most despicable. No? That being the case, what exactly have you gained that is so precious?
Johnny Cash had it this way:
”It is good to know who hates you, and it is good to be hated by the right people.”
I could cite sources indefinitely. But if you struggle with this, it is real to you. I sympathize. Really. My girlfriend worries what complete strangers think of her when they are driving the car behind her and she is a little slow to move when a traffic light changes from red to green. She is kind and does not want to be an imposition. This inherent kindness is at least somewhat commendable.
But we’re talking about those whose identity and sense of self worth comes from the hoped for good opinion of others. There is nothing commendable about that. That is a trap, a curse, an undesirable end (even if attained), and not a good achievement at all. The trap is a mindset that makes your worth conditional upon your performance and its perception by others. To escape this trap, you must stop caring what other people think about you. You must see your worth as a person is more than a perfect, impeccable performance, or the meeting of expectations others have imposed upon you.
Brené Brown writes about the dynamics of all this, including how to develop what she calls, ”shame resilience,” in her excellent book, The Gifts of Imperfection. I highly recommend it for her in-depth analysis born of her years studying and analyzing shame and our responses to it.
Examples to consider
But, to pursue the topic further here, let me ask you, is it more important to be honest, or for someone to think you’re honest? If you are an honest person, you are honest regardless of who believes it, right? And vice versa, if you are dishonest, you remain so regardless of your ability to coax a good opinion from others. Truth, especially truth about character, is unswayed by belief.
Let me also ask, have you ever changed your mind and opinion about anyone in your life? Isn’t it possible you felt one way about them, learned something new, and now you feel a different way? This happens to me so often, I just assume it happens to most people. This predisposition to change notions is enough to make me look for emotional stability elsewhere than the opinions of others.
And finally, when considering practical examples, do you suppose those whose good opinion you crave have no flaws and imperfections of their own? Are you the only person beset by occasional errors? If other people have faults, weaknesses, and flaws, their opinions will also be faulty, weak, and flawed, just as yours are at times. This is universally true for each of us. You may want to treat this fact as a fact, and in so doing, devalue those oft flawed opinions accordingly.
Self Esteem is the Approval You Give Yourself – It does not come from Others
Self-esteem by definition is the esteem you give to yourself. It is the respect, regard, admiration, and approbation you account to your own credit. Many, especially those who suffer from the topic of this article, are confused as to its nature and are actually searching for Other-Esteem. This would be the esteem granted by those outside your self. Self-esteem is born of good character. It is strengthened each time you do the right thing. If you want to build yours, simply do the next right thing you know to do. Keep doing this. Soon, you’ll know yourself to be the kind of person who can know what is right to do and do it. It is the most highly subjective, relative, and individualized of all the emotions.
Life is too short to knowingly live wrong. I enjoy the challenge of being and becoming the kind of person I can respect. I personally refuse to live with a bad conscience. If I have wronged someone, I make it right at any expense. By the same token, I refuse to let someone else’s opinion of me intrude into that inner sanctum. I refuse to allow another’s bad opinion or me, give me an undeserving bad or bothered conscience. I stopped caring what other people think about me a long time ago.
Whose Opinion Should You Care About?
I care what I think about me. The degree of care I have for anyone else’s opinion is based entirely upon whether they have, by proven demonstration, shown that they consistently and ardently want the best for me, for my own sake, and not for what they stand to gain. There is about 1 other person in my life currently who fits that description and meets that criterion. Possibly 2, but that fluctuates, and if their opinion about me changed, I would be sad, but not crushed. It has changed before and changed back again. Which is to say, no one’s opinions are guaranteed to remain stable indefinitely.
And I care what God thinks. Not because I believe I can behave well enough to get him to love me more. I cannot. Neither can I behave badly enough to get him to stop loving. But, I care what He thinks because He’s proven that He wants what is best for me, and that I am too shortsighted and ignorant to know what that is at all times.
Opinions Can Encourage You Without Owning You
The one caveat that I will admit to is this. I know that I am my own worst critic. While I generally like myself, and as I’ve stated, I endeavor to keep a clear conscience, I am hard on my creative products. Without the encouragement of friends, and even strangers, I might be too discouraged to continue the attempt to create content that may provide value to some. So, I allow room for the encouragement to continue those efforts.
But let me be plain. I may care what people think about what I do, or what I say, or what I write. But I could not, in general, care any less about what people think of who I am. This works for me, it keeps me from being trapped by the opinions of others. I don’t seek esteem from that quarter. And since I don’t seek it there, I’m never disappointed not to receive it from there. Your mileage may vary, but I highly encourage you to stop caring what other people think about you. You’ll thank me. You’ll appreciate me. But I won’t really care if you do or not.
Hmmmm….(The Original Thinker, The Musée Rodin: Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
Your knee-jerk response to my title question reveals a lot about you…even if you lied to yourself. Some “think” with their television remotes or youtube search bars. They scan, select, watch, and listen for popular voices to tell them what to believe, unquestioningly adopt what they hear, and call this thinking for themselves. The intellectually lazy prefer the false security that comes from drinking the kool-aid of their current tribe. What about you? Do you prefer to be told what to think, or how to think?
Not all have the unusual stubbornness required of philosophers. Therefore, not thinking clearly, they consign their beliefs and views to a supposed authority. These cannot even think for themselves enough to defend their views, but will point to the words and opinions of their chosen spokesperson.
I hold the above to be categorically, undeniably, terrifyingly true.
Certainty is a nice, cup-of-hot-chocolate illusion. It is temporarily pleasing and satisfying. But it is easily and quickly consumed.
In a world of uncertainty, where guesses matter and context is everything, knowing how to think is of more worth to me than being told what to think. But I’m not telling you what to think. I trust you to decide for yourself. Once you have, just be able to tell us how you came to your conclusions.
True Justice is Moral, not merely Legal. It treats everyone’s interests equally. (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
# 51 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Treat people as if their interests are exactly as important as yours. They are. (But they are not more important.)
The Golden Rule has a couple of variations that condense to the same thing. The interests of people are relative and equal. This being the case, morality requires that you treat people as if their interests are exactly as important as yours. Any deviation is the essence of moral failure.
To be moral, moral codes must be based on truth. At a casual glance, when contemplating aphorisms like, ”All men are created equal…”, the discriminating among us (and I use that term in the positive sense of one who has refined tastes and exercises good judgment), may argue about its veracity. By some metrics it doesn’t appear to be true at all.
Yet, in the U.S. Declaration of Independence, this is one of the enumerated ”self-evident” truths. But, the careful observer recognizes the obvious. There is a disparate distribution of talent, physical attributes, mental aptitude, socio-economic standing, and opportunities for improvement and advancement between humans.
When I compare myself to LeBron James, or Stephen Hawking, or Yo Yo Ma, I see some pretty glaring inequalities. And those exist at the physical, mental, and talent levels. What about differences on the socio-economic ladder between myself and the wealthiest ”10%” who own more than the bottom 70% combined?
EgregiousWealth Inequality is a Particular Kind of Immorality
The following graphics show that the top 1% owns 31.4% of US net wealth as of the 4th quarter of 2020. The population from the 90th to 99th percentile owns 38.2%; the 50th to 90th percentile, owns 28.3% of net wealth; and the bottom 50 percent owned only 2% of the nation’s net wealth. Yay Capitalism!
If all men are created equal, and if everyone’s interests are equal, how is this happening? It may be legal, but is it moral? (Image from https://www.statista.com/statistics/299460/distribution-of-wealth-in-the-united-states/ screenshot by author)
And to add insult to injury, the share of wealth going to the top is increasing as depicted by this graphic:
The rich get richer, the poor poorer. Yet everyone’s interests are equal. This is everyone’s moral failure. (Image from https://www.statista.com/statistics/299460/distribution-of-wealth-in-the-united-states/ screenshot by author)
Of course, I could have saved your time and some screen space by just summarizing the current state of Capitalism in the US with this familiar graphic. One wonders where these traditional, mythical images come from?
Ouroboros. When society, especially economically, refuses to treat everyone’s interests as equal, this is what happens. (Adobe Stock Image: licensed by author)
All men are created equal? Really? How so?
Faced with these inequities, whence comes the certitude expressed, that all men are created equal? Or, on what moral basis are we enjoined to love our neighbor as our self? Or, for what reason are we to do unto others as we would want them to do unto us?
It is because the self-interest of every human being is equal. The lowliest peasant or serf in history had interests as important to him or her as those of the gaudiest Lord or Czar. It may have been ”legal” for a Lord to exploit and use the serf, but it was immoral.
Similarly, today, it may be legal for capitalist billionaires and their corporations to pocket for themselves the wealth created by employees they hire and pay as cheaply as possible. It may be legal to exploit and despoil the environment, stripping it of resources faster than they can be replenished. Laws may allow or even encourage taking advantage of local real estate, utilities, and infrastructure, at little or no cost in resultant tax revenues back to the community and state. But such behavior is reprehensibly immoral, nonetheless. Let’s agree to call it what it is.
It is a special gift of the ultra-wealthy to hide their immorality behind law, and do so to almost universal social acclaim. And yet the interests of Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos are not more important than the interests of the person just hired at minimum wage to scrub the corporate toilets.
Where is our Moral Courage?
Every dollar pocketed by selfish exploitation is an evidentiary document at the bar of Moral Justice, legal though it may be by custom or culture. We just happen to live at a moment in history when we celebrate the immoral as champions, rather than castigate them as villains.
This is possible because for decades now the West has lost any voice of moral courage.
In his famous speech at Harvard in 1978, Alexander Solzenhitsyn, the famous Soviet dissident, and Nobel Laureate said this:
”I have spent all my life under a Communist regime and I will tell you that a society without any objective legal scale is a terrible one indeed. But a society with no other scale than the legal one is not quite worthy of man either. A society which is based on the letter of the law and never reaches any higher is taking very scarce advantage of the high level of human possibilities. The letter of the law is too cold and formal to have a beneficial influence on society. Whenever the tissue of life is woven of legalistic relations, there is an atmosphere of moral mediocrity, paralyzing man’s noblest impulses. And it will be simply impossible to stand through the trials of this threatening century with only the support of a legalistic structure.”
~ Alexander Solzenhitsyn, speech entitled, A World Split Apart Harvard, 1978 (emphasis mine)
Our Interests are Equal – The Moral Act Like It
Self-interest is relative. Mine may not mean much to you. But my interests are certainly important to me. Just as important as yours are to you.
This is the basis of equal treatment and the basis of equal love. My hopes and desires and needs are not more important than yours or anyone else’s. They are important to me for reasons of my own. And yours are the same. They are important to you for reasons sufficient to you.
When we acknowledge this, and treat each other accordingly, we’re operating on the basis of truth. We are affording each other the respect and recognition born of interests that are of equal value.
In any dealings we may have together, I don’t expect you to treat me as if my interests are more important than your own. Don’t expect me to make my interests subservient to yours, either. They are equal. We may choose to negotiate and compromise. There may be give and take, but if either of us elevates and imposes our interests above the interests of the other, we are guilty of that which constitutes the entire essence of moral and ethical failure, regardless of our justifications, of so-called ”legality”, and regardless of our stock portfolio or checking account balance.
And let us hold each other to account. Let us act as if our interests have value. And let us think about these things in our business dealings, in our purchases, in our valuation of the character and actions of others, especially when evaluating the wealthiest, who routinely extract from you every penny of interest they can. Just because something is legal does not mean it is right. Remember this and as far as is in you, treat people as if their interests are exactly as important as yours. Because they are.
Thoughts yield Emotions, Emotions come from Thoughts. However you think of it, you cannot will emotions into, or out of, existence (Image by author)
# 48 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Emotions cannot be directly controlled by the will. Try to be scared now. You have to first think of something scary, right? All emotions are this way. They are the fruit of your thoughts.
You Will Never Un-See This Truth
There are some truths that, once presented to the mind, become irrefutable. The truth that emotion cannot be directly controlled by the will belongs to this class. Try it. As demonstrated in the example above, feelings don’t respond to your will. Your mind and thoughts must play an intermediate role. This role is indispensable. Your will cannot control your emotions. It cannot produce fear on its own initiative.
If you try now to be joyful, say, as an act of will, you will encounter the same obstacle. You must think of something joyous first. Once you do, the emotion is easy to produce. In fact, it is impossible to feel any other way for as long as you keep the joyous thought in your mind.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
~Michel de Montaigne
If you cannot make yourself feel a certain way by willing the feeling into existence, neither can you will the feeling out of existence, once you’re feeling it.
While I am a staunch advocate of controlling everything you can. The linked discoveries that my will cannot control my emotions, rather, that my emotions come from my thinking (which I can control), has proved of incalculable worth to me. I hope you will find the same benefit.
Exactly How Does This Help You?
Knowing the general rule of where your emotions come from, allows you to know how to change them. And it will keep you from wasting time and energy listening to bad advice like, ”Don’t be (angry, afraid, anxious,)”
Your will doesn’t control your feelings. So you can safely stop trying.
Sometimes, knowing what not to do is an important step in discovering what to do.
Now, you realize the following:
Your will does not produce your emotions, instead;
Emotions are the products of your thoughts, and;
Thoughts can be controlled by a conscious, willful choice (in the absence of mental illness of neurological pathology), therefore;
As a former minister, and still a Christian, I can’t think of anything more damaging to the model and message of Biblical Christianity than a professional ministry relying on tax breaks from the government. The professional ministry killed Jesus in His day, and it hasn’t stopped, especially when in bed with politics (which it was then, too).
Tax Benefits to Ministry Organizations
Allowing organizations to register as 501(c)(3) non-profits does a few things for them, none of which are essential to promoting their ”message”.
First, they are allowed numerous tax exemptions, including exemptions on real estate holdings.
That’s right. A church in the US can buy prime real estate, erect large buildings on it, conduct business on that land, and pay no property tax, corporate income tax, and usually no state or local sales tax.
Second, they can hire and pay a ”ministry” class granting them FICA tax exemptions on ministerial earnings.
What, you ask? A minister can elect to pay no payroll taxes on ministerial income into the Social Security system. This election also means they cannot draw Social Security Administration benefits at retirement age on income elected for this deferral. But the tax savings in the present puts more money on the minister’s ”bring home” check.
Remember, these FICA payroll taxes are matching funds. The employer and the employee both pay a share of the gross pay towards satisfaction of these amounts all non-minister workers and their employers pay. So the ministry benefits in real money saved from ministers making this election to defer.
Third, ministries can also pay ministers a ”housing allowance” as part of their salary package. Ministers do not have to report this ”allowance” as ”earned income” in tax filings. Yet, if they are purchasing the home for which they receive an ”allowance”, they are allowed to deduct the interest. This is one of a hand-full of ”double-dips” in the IRS tax code.
It is this benefit that allows the Joel Osteen’s of the world to own mansions and pay no taxes on the income earned to pay the payments. And if the church is on the mortgage, no property taxes are paid either.
Jesus had no housing allowance…He had no house
Astute Bible readers will remember that Jesus said of himself,
”Foxes have holes, birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
The fourth advantage ministries have from the IRS tax code is the ability to grant tax deductions to donors for their gifts of cash and property.
There is no way to know, but I am curious how long ministries could stay open for business if this benefit was rescinded. To be sure, some church goers give for reasons other than a tax deduction, but what about the largest donors? Would they still give so ”charitably” if they couldn’t take a write-off?
The reason I’m writing about this
Ministers who receive these tax benefits from the government are forbidden by law to use their position as ministers to influence the government from whom they are receiving the benefits. Put simply, they are forbidden by the IRS tax code to intermeddle in politics. Neither they, nor their ministry organizations are to support or promote a political candidate or party…as a minister.
Unscrupulous ministers skirt this law by claiming their political pronouncements are their ”personal” views. They expect us to believe they are taking off the collar and ministerial frock when they stump for their favorite politician. Yet, these same ministers would have no platform, no name recognition, and no voice except for their ministry. This is disingenuous, at best.
Please don’t associate Jesus with corrupt politicians, or unscrupulous“ministers”
And the danger of this practice is that a listener will naturally associate Jesus, or God, with the politician being endorsed by the unscrupulous, wannabe politician minister. This is a mistake. It kills the truth about who Jesus is. He endorsed no political leaders during His brief tenure on Earth, and I don’t believe there is a politician in the history of mankind that Jesus would have endorsed.
Once, when asked about paying taxes, Jesus said,
”Give Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and give God what belongs to God.”
I agree with Him, and I believe Congress should take Him at his Word, too, by immediately revoking 501(c)(3) status for all ministries, and/or by immediately prosecuting every so-called minister who steps into the political arena for IRS tax code violations.
Well known, well-funded minsters are alienating half of the national demographic by their politically or financially motivated endorsements. In so doing, they are breaking the laws of God and man. Jesus’ message concerns a different Kingdom entirely. For these reasons, I say professional ministry killed Jesus in his day, and hasn’t stopped.
These political ministers could not be doing the work of satan more effectively if they tried. Even if ol’ Scratch gave them better tax breaks.
This says all that needs to be said about success. You are who you decide to become, unless you give that away to someone else.
Seth Godin’s apropos and brilliant piece today, Identity and Ideas draws an important distinction and raises an important question. The distinction is that some people receive their identities from other’s ideas, while other’s identities don’t derive from a dictated ideological position. The latter are free to examine various ideas, modify as needed, and feel no threat to their identity. This raises the question: Who gets to tell you who you are?
Seth writes:
”One way to define our identity is to fall in love with an idea (often one that was handed to us by a chosen authority). Another is to refuse to believe our identity is embodied in an idea, and instead embrace a method for continually finding and improving our ideas.”
Seth Godin
I am in the latter camp. I hope that is the case for you. If it isn’t, who have you allowed to tell you who you are? Whose ideas of what your life means and of your place in the world have you embraced and adopted as your own? Or maybe you’ve convinced yourself that you are independently finding and improving your own ideas. But your unwillingness to confront and accept evidence that destroys your current views contradicts that notion.
Can you not see this is the height of insecurity? Maybe you’ve allowed someone to tell you who you are your entire life. You look for someone to tell you through a lifetime of habit and conditioning. You probably adopt and parrot every new thing you hear (as long as it comes from a charismatic source popular with your current circle of friends). Because those who get their identity from outside themselves can never escape the bondage of fear over what other people think. Even though these same people who couldn’t care less about you; except as another ideological clone reinforcing their own beliefs.
Is this too harsh? Maybe. And just maybe it isn’t harsh enough. After all, I’m not the one trying to tell you who you are.
This is a very acute problem. Repeated occurrences on a construction site would be chronic.
# 42 on my, 99 Life Tips– A List is: Learn to differentiate quickly between acute and chronic problems, and the strategies for dealing with both.
Do you know the difference between acute and chronic problems? Do you realize each requires a different strategy?
Simply put, acute problems arise suddenly, can be identified rapidly, and can be solved quickly…not to say easily. Chronic problems are on slow burn. They typically became problems when you weren’t watching, or you inherited them with your position, or were born into them with your family. These are long-term difficulties, they have already had long-term effects, and they promise to linger because there is no easy resolution.
So, when a problem arises, first ask, is this fresh on the scene? Have you faced this issue before? If yes, it’s probably not acute. It’s likely a chronic issue.
For Acute Problems Identify And Modify The Variables
Solving acute problems is a matter of identifying and changing the variables to directly change the outcome. They have this pattern:
A problem occurs. (You step on a nail)
You identify the variable causing the problem. (Nail)
You modify the variable. (Remove nail from foot)
Problem mostly solved.
To solve acute problems, first determine the source. Be honest. Is it you?. Seriously. If that’s the case, those are the easiest to solve. Stop being a problem.
If you’re not the source causing the problem, finding a solution becomes a matter of control. Do you control the variables needed to resolve the issue. That’s why solving acute problems is easier when you’re the source. You control your own actions. When you don’t control the variables, acute and chronic problem solving share a common tactic. Quickly limit your exposure to harm, to the degree possible.
Many acute problems arise from a failure to practice situational awareness. Avoidance of problems is wiser than solving them.
For Chronic Problems Clarify, Then Modify Your Thinking
Chronic, persistent problems wear you down by attrition. You feel resigned to their existence. They aren’t one-offs. They’re either constant, or predictably regular. Even when they feel like a never-ending string of acute events, using acute tactics won’t work. So, what do you do?
Recognition that it’s chronic is step one. Knowing this relieves you of the responsibility for implementing a solution with resources and actions you directly control. Here, it is helpful if you have a friend, spouse, or partner emotionally mature enough to listen to you without trying to offer pat suggestions and solutions. Guys…I’m talking to you(us). This is sexist, but, in general men are poor listeners. We think we can solve any and every problem. Sometimes the best solution is to just listen. Allow your partner, friend, wife, or lover to just vent.
This act of talking through a problem is psychologically and emotionally validating to the one suffering a chronic situation. And often, the ability to talk it through, giving vent to the feelings that arise, is a pressure release valve that reduces the negative impacts, at least for the time being. It also provides a valuable opportunity to clarify how you’re thinking of the problem. Hearing yourself talk about it, can give you insights to help cope with the problem if it cannot be easily or quickly solved. Sometimes knowing we have someone with us, gives us the courage and perseverance we need to face a problem, even if they cannot make it go away.
Changing your view of a problem can often provide some emotional protection. It won’t change the other person’s behavior (if the chronic problem is with a person), but it will change how you see them. You may modify your own connection to them. Changing your thinking may lead you to establish boundaries valuing your own integrity and asserting your own rights. It may cause you to re-categorize the person as you see them in a new, less flattering, more realistic light.
Sometimes The Problem Isn’t Yours To Solve
As you learn to differentiate quickly between acute and chronic problems, it’s also important to recognize when a problem is not yours to solve. This is most often true in chronic situations. You may be hit with the overflow of an issue that is really someone else’s responsibility to deal with. An example would be of a parent trying to negotiate a truce between adult siblings. I’ve written before that this is not the time to be an umpire.
A workplace **** is a chronic problem for the boss to solve. Unless you’re the boss, Make it the bosses problem.
Another example would be with a rude, unprofessional co-worker. This is a classic chronic situation that is unsolvable if you aren’t their direct supervisor. That problem is the bosses problem to solve. As a rule, whether acute, or chronic, don’t pick up problems that aren’t yours to fix.
In this world we have it on good authority that we will have trouble. In many ways, life consists in effective problem-solving. There is nothing wrong with wishing you had no problems to face, but wishing won’t make it so. It is better to embrace the idea that problems are going to come, but you can learn to be effective at solving them, or at least coping with the unsolvable ones. That starts with differentiating quickly between acute and chronic problems, and the strategies for dealing with both.
It would be nice to have these reminders pop up like road signs from time to time
I’ve written about goals and goal setting in a previous post. It was tongue-in-cheek. My intention was to spark thought about the right questions to ask when setting a goal. But an ongoing conversation with my 17-r-old, college freshman, son has me thinking more about the topic of goals and the relation of plans to goals.
A Plan Is Not Busy Work, It Is Essential
My son is required to complete an Academic Plan for a class. He is on the bubble about what he wants to major in and so is dragging his heels about drafting a plan. He thinks there is no point in working on a plan, and putting it in writing, if it’s likely to change. So, he is thinking of this assignment as busy work. I am encouraging him to create the plan, finish the assignment, and realize that it is not carved in stone. My reasoning is this:
1- A goal represents an end that you have in mind.
2- A plan represents the means for achieving that end.
Unless a goal can be achieved with a single action, setting a goal and having no plan is the equivalent of not setting a goal. It may be a dream, or a wish, or perhaps a hope, but it’s not a proper goal.
A goal is something tangible, measurable, achievable (at least potentially), and exists during a window of opportunity (there is a timetable, or deadline for reaching it). A plan maps out how that is going to be done. What are the steps? What are the necessary resources? Are there pre-requisites, or contingencies I should be aware of?
One of the most important things to grasp in life, as young as possible, is the relation of plans to goals. That is to say, knowing the difference between means and ends. It is a rare person who keeps this concept in mind as the basic metric for decision making of all types.
Everyone Is Living For Some End
Everyone is living for some end. Even if they are unaware. Most people haven’t clearly defined it to themselves. This causes many to live very passively, in a state of hopeful disappointment (so as to not plagiarize Thoreau’s ”quiet desperation”, though they are functionally the same). People hope their lives will magically get better. Whatever better means. But they are living out a series of steps that feel predestined for them without much thought of their own. Succumbing to social and economic pressures, they live and act as if their own agency doesn’t have a lot to do with their own lives. To many, life is a lottery game, or a roulette wheel, and some people get lucky. They hope to be among the lucky.
But without a specific end in mine, clearly defined, and pursued for the value it represents, most are passively adrift. Their favorite words are ”If only…”. This even affects purchases. Or maybe it especially affects economic decisions of all sorts. People seem to be very confused about their relationship with money, thinking it is an end, when it is quite literally a means, and only a means. The result is they are either trying to accumulate money as an end in itself, or spending it for some feeling it cannot buy.
The Antidote to Passivity And Its Soul-Crushing Effects
The antidote to this hopeful disappointment or quiet desperation is to spend time thinking about what you really want. Identify your desired end. What ultimate goal do you have in mind? What would make life worth the effort to stay or get healthy, or the effort to establish better habits? Is there any worthwhile payoff for the hard work? What would make your life one you actually want to be living? Unless you define this ”most valuable end” and then live as if that end really is as valuable as you say it is, you’re cheating yourself. And you’re definitely not being authentic. And you’re forgetting how short this ride on the merry-go-round is.
Maybe you haven’t worked out your lifetime ”most valuable end”, supreme goal yet, but it certainly helps to start there and work backwards when planning. For now, you can start small to learn how to think of means and ends, and to plan sequentially so that you take the steps necessary to achieve the desired end, by taking action in the right order.
Today’s Academic Plan Yields Tomorrow’s Dream Life
I pointed out to my son that he is in an intermediate phase of life. He is wisely in a local community college that is cheap. In it, he can get all of his general college credits out of the way, keeping an open mind about a major. He will be ready to transfer those credits and his enrollment once he’s decided on a solid major. His immediate goal is 60 transferable credit hours in required courses. That’s it.
That intermediate goal is actually a means to a larger goal…a 4-yr degree at a university. And that, too, is an intermediate goal to the larger goal of a good, high-paying job. Which is also an intermediate goal to the ultimate goal of a life he wants to be living….to success defined in his own terms. I think I’ve helped him to see the relation of the academic plan he drafts today to the ultimate goal of his dream life.
Talking with him over the last couple of days made me want to share the conversation and hopefully theinsights with you. This framework of setting a clear goal, then making a plan on how to arrive, works in every part of life. It even makes life more fun, even if a little more challenging. It’s better to be proactive and work a plan towards a goal you actually want. The relation of plans to goals is what turns a dream into a possibility, and can transform it from a wish to reality. Certainly better to be armed with a plan towards a clear goal than to be a leaf on a stream, hoping things will magically get better, while passively floating towards what might just turn out to be a waste treatment plant.
“I deserve better” is a positive affirmation in one context, and a fallacy in another
# 36 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: No one would want what he truly deserves in life.
If life was just, or even fair; if karma was instant, no one would want what they truly deserve. This ”tip” is more an assertion to be absorbed and assimilated than something to be practiced. I include it because it falls into the broad category of ”wrong thinking” which is the culprit in 90% of life’s woes. This statement is related to another of my ”assertive” tips, #73, which says Happiness = Reality – Expectations, a topic I’ve written about in another post.
How To Decide What We Deserve?
To deserve means to be worthy of, or to merit, either a reward, or a punishment. The definition implies a standard, or a benchmark. It implies rules. It involves a ruler, and a judge. The idea of deserving something requires a comparative analysis. Your character and actions are measured against some objective criteria. Are you compared to your neighbor, your co-worker, your child, your spouse, Jesus? Or perhaps just against written law.
Clearly, these are relative comparisons, unique to each individual. I may behave better than Charles Manson, or even better than my overbearingly meddlesome neighbor on NextDoor, but not as well as Mother Teresa, so…what do I deserve?
Real Crime Deserves Real Punishment
Undoubtedly, there are crimes demanding justice, and deserving of punishment. Swift punishment, equitably applied, is a sine qua non of a healthy, functioning society. I am not ignoring the existence of crime, or the necessity of law enforcement and a functional criminal justice system. Some crimes deserve extreme sanction. I am not discounting these truths.
Moral vs. Transactional Context
Rather, we are examining the common day-to-day attitudes and beliefs we feel about what we deserve. Because, most people think they deserve better than they get. Or if something good happens, they’re convinced they ”deserved” it. They believe they are entitled to good things on some moral basis. It is this notion I’m addressing.
On the other hand, in a transactional context such as a salary negotiation, in general, you should refuse to accept less than you deserve. Accepting less than what is merited in the workplace diminishes not only your paycheck, but devalues you as a person. It causes a cascading loss of morale that undermines personal confidence and self-esteem. When possible, it is better to walk away from an underpaying job, than suffer the financial and psychological harm that results from staying in it. This will be the subject of another post.
Please consider the differing contexts as you evaluate and incorporate my comments.
Potential Merit On A 10-Point Scale
But, let us suppose our character and actions could be pegged on a 10-point scale with each of us starting with 10 as a maximum possible score. Let us call this our ”Potential Merit”. That is not difficult to conceive. We do each possess an upper limit, representing the possibility of faultless moral character and behavior, even though my hypothetical “potential merit” scoring matrix doesn’t really exist.
Your level of Potential Merit may provide greater opportunities for good deeds than mine, since that will differ according to our respective circumstances, but it cannot surpass mine on a raw 10-point scale; with 10 being the highest possible score. At maximum potential, everyone starts at 10. This score represents faultless moral behavior.
Let’s also suppose the existence of some spiritual or cosmic ”assessors” grading you at every moment. They are making comparisons of your actual performance against your potential performance to determine what you merit, that is, what you deserve. There is no grading curve. Every fault, every wrong word and deed hammers your score with de-merits. The only way to merit (deserve) good results is to consistently grade out at 10, and never dip below your potential. Yet, even grading out at 10 would be no guarantee of only good results given the vagaries of life. Do you still want what you deserve? I don’t.
This is why, at every moment, I will opt for mercy over justice, and grace over wages. I know what I deserve in life, and God help me, I do not want it. I am living the most amazing life, on borrowed time, that I absolutely and completely do not deserve. My hunch is that you are too.
Mercy, Forgiveness, and Gratitude
Mercy and forgiveness do not exist in a vacuum. They are meaningless unless there is an impending judgement and sentencing. The only suitable candidates for mercy are those earmarked for punishment. Mercy is not something one deserves, or can earn. Justice is what we deserve.
Knowing this provides innumerable opportunities for gratitude. Every good thing you experience in life is made sweeter when accompanied with the recognition that you truly don’t deserve it. The experience of good things becomes the receiving of gifts for which to be profoundly thankful. And hopefully, this realization will prompt you to show mercy when it’s your time to sit on the judgement seat, considering you don’t want what you truly deserve in life, either.
