If you ever get a chance to lift up your eyes to the Grand Tetons I hope you’re as blown away as I was (Unsplash image by Toan Chu)
# 13 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: In keeping with the above, lift your eyes throughout the day to change your focal point, especially when outdoors. Americans, especially, are ”head hangers” habitually looking a yard or two in front of our feet. We even do this indoors, looking at the flooring. Look up. You’ll thank me.
My uncle taught me this. He pointed it out to me when I was working for him and learning carpentry. Doing a job for a client that wanted us to install 7-pc crown molding in a 20 foot foyer, he remarked that they were wasting their money. When I asked why he said, ”Americans are head hangers.”
He had been raised in Great Britain, and had traveled extensively overseas, including a stint in Vietnam. I figured he knew was he was talking about though it didn’t keep us from taking the job.
I began observing people. My observations confirmed my uncle’s assertion. It was especially obvious, when I watched people enter a new space. And this was apparent whether people walked into a residence, or into a commercial or religious building. Americans gaze downwards more than upwards.
Maybe it’s our colonial, puritanical beginnings. There are no real castles or cathedrals marking our national architectural aesthetic.
Maybe it’s purely evolutionary. Man has never faced too many predators from above. Who knows?
Now, that’s fine if you’re hiking, making sure not to twist an ankle, but it could cause you to miss out on a lot of unexpected Beauty that is above eye level. And that would be a shame because unexpected Beauty is one of the greatest sources of Gratitude and the resultant increase in happiness and overall mental health. So, do yourself a favor and make the effort to look up.
Now, if you prefer your life tips with a moral. Consider Psalm 121:1-2
”I lift my eyes up, to the mountains, where does my help come from? (some translations are affirmative, and render the last clause, ”from whence comes my help.”)
My help comes from You. Maker of Heaven. Creator of the Earth.”
Notice: The Psalmist does not look down in helpless despair. Neither does he look around for help, knowing assistance from peers on his plane won’t suffice. For help, he looks up. He looks to the Mountains, to the Heavens, and to their and his Maker.
What would it look like fixed? Probably not like this…(Dreamstime Image: licensed to the author)
# 60 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: You cannot solve any problem without having a clear picture of the solution in mind. Ask, ”what would it look like fixed?” borrowed from David Allen.
Because this is one of my favorite questions, and has been so life-changing for me, I secured the domain whatwoulditlooklikefixed.com a few years ago, where I will eventually build out a self-help site based around this idea. I’m happy to share it here with you.
I was introduced to the concept in David Allen’s book: Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity. I highly recommend the book if you want to dive deeper into the whole system of personal productivity and time management Allen espouses.
Answering what would it look like fixed has become the starting point of my entire problem-solving heuristic.
The premise is simple. A problem arises. You want to fix it. So far, so good…
But fixing problems requires answers to two questions:
1- What is the true problem? (This is a book in its own right)
2- What would absence of the problem look like, or conversely, what would it look like fixed?
Until you answer these two questions problems manifest will remain problems unsolved
How often have you set out to fix a problem without first discovering what was really bothering you, or having a definite, clear idea of what needed to happen to not feel bothered by it anymore? If you’ve done this, you know how frustrating it can be to multiply effort using the wrong means for the wrong ends with no clear plan. (Which probably describes the typical workday of millions of people). And maybe this too accurately describes normal life for a lot of people as well.
So, since you certainly want to avoid adding frustration to the feelings you already have about your issue. Do the hard work, the meaningful work, up front. The hard work is actually mental, involving thinking and imagination. You’re creating a world where your problem doesn’t exist. In this world, you vanquished the burden. It’s gone. Exterminated. Kaput.
This picture gives you both a target state to achieve and the inspiration to achieve it. Don’t worry yet on what will have to happen to make this vision come to pass. That’s another part of the problem-solving process. Without a clearly defined destination, further steps in the process are tantamount to walking in circles.
From Concept to Concrete
This is how, precisely how, all the man-made reality that you look around you and see, gets from concept to concrete. Things go from abstract idea to tangible reality by answering some variation of this one question.
What would it look like fixed?
If you want to solve a problem and don’t have this idea clearly in mind, how will you know when you’re done? How will you gauge success at eliminating the problem. Do you see the dilemma? Unless you can clearly state, in specific language, ”This problem will be fixed when ______________.” happens, all efforts will amount to pushing in the clutch on a car, stomping the accelerator, and redlining the engine in a screaming cloud of smoke and fury, but the car goes nowhere.
Instead, do the hard work up front. Get a clear picture of exactly what fixed would look like, then use the appropriate means to reach that desired end. (A subject for another day).
Real friends appreciate honest support that comes from the willingness to offer even painful truths. (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
# 59 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Do not tolerate behavior in yourself that you would not support and respect in a friend.
Do your friends ever seek your advice with their problems? If so, do you tell them what you know they want to hear? Or do you tell them what you believe they need to hear?
There is a Proverb that speaks to this issue:
”Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful [because they serve his hidden agenda].”
Real friendship implies the permission to say (and listen to) the hard things…to tell (and hear) the truth.
This excludes 99.9% of your social media followers.
Admittedly, there are even RL relationships that don’t meet this standard. We may call those people ”friends”, but they’re not really friends. Not in any meaningful way. You can tell if someone is a friend by what you tolerate, and what you respect. You may hang out with someone you don’t respect, but you sure as hell won’t solicit their advice on anything important. And you can also gauge the quality of the relationship by their openness to your input and advice.
Friends offer each other correction and constructive criticism. Even if it stings. No, especially when it stings. You tell your friend the hard things because you love them. You ”wound” them with your words because you are concerned about the course they are on. Your silence could lead to worse wounds than your words could ever cause. To remain silent, or to offer encouragement, would not only be un-friendly, it would border on the actions of an enemy.
Think of the last time you had the opportunity to faithfully wound a friend. Did you tell your friend the truth? Even if it was a hard truth? If you did, you are a true friend, and one of life’s most valuable treasures. After all, we can get enemies to tell us what we want to hear. But, when a friend stings you with their words, you’ve just received helpful insight that a thousand hours with a therapist won’t equal. Hopefully this is what you did, and it was received in the spirit in which you offered it.
If you didn’t speak up, or felt you couldn’t; or you did, and it was brushed off, rebutted, and refuted, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Is it really a friendship, or is it something less. More than an acquaintance, perhaps, but less than a friend…far less.
Take the medicine you would offer
Using this framework, apply the same approach to any problems for which you need advice, and to any areas where you suspect you have flaws you won’t ignore in people you care about.
If a friend brought you these issues, what would you say? To one in the same situation, would you offer truth? Or, would you be mere acquaintance? Would your silence or your appeasing words amount to the kisses of an enemy?
Can you follow the same advice, and take the same medicine, however hard, you would offer your friend if the roles were reversed?
Granted, there are issues we can’t see clearly for ourselves. So I’m not suggesting that self-diagnosis, or self-care is always enough. It’s not. Some issues require another ”set of eyes”. Our so-called blind spots, for instance, are impossible to see alone. But sometimes, we indulge and excuse behaviors we would never support or respect if a friend did the same.
”Friends don’t let friends drive drunk” comes to mind. But that’s not all those who care about each other won’t let each other do.
Be a friend to yourself, and fill in the blank with anything and everything in your life you know you would never let a friend do without speaking up and trying to stop it. Now, as hard as it may be, take your own advice. Remember, faithful are the wounds of a friend.
Family is that social unit with the most power to do good…or harm. Some of us end up burned and broken. (Adobe Stock Image: licensed by author)
# 58 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Do not treat the word or concept of Family as a sacred, magical word that justifies either inflicting, or suffering, emotional, mental, or physical abuse. A family, or family member like that is not worth being joined to.
This is a loaded topic. Too loaded, for many of us. Mention family, and you’ve invited us into a minefield….one where the repressed rage, anguish, and anxiety is buried just beneath the surface. We cannot pretend that family is an idyllic fairyland. For us, it is a haunted house.
All my broken places came from family. Perhaps yours did too. I don’t think of Family as a sacred, magical word. I think of it as the context in which you can be mistreated in ways no stranger or non-family would dare to do. A context in which you’re trapped because ”Family”, but having once escaped, one to which you would never voluntarily return.
Cynical? Yes. Bitter? Maybe.
Okay…Not Okay
I remember the morning after one of my mom’s suicide attempts, someone asking if I was okay. They had driven out to our house to check in on us in the wee hours when it was still dark outside. I recall the crunch of tires on the gravel driveway as they’d pulled in. I’d been awake all night…and I heard every whisper of sound.
After hiding all the knives (including butter knives), I had lain listening on a sofa close by my mom’s bedroom door in case she stirred and tried to hurt herself again. I knew it was my job to stay awake and protect her. Hearing the car, I trudged to the back door with a blanket around my skinny shoulders. I cracked it open and peaked out.
”Are you okay?”
To the inquirer, my breath steaming into the cold, black morning, I answered, ”Sure. I’m fine. We all have to play the cards we’re dealt.”
I was maybe nine years old.
Acknowledgement and Appreciation For Those Who Step In
I’d like to say the dysfunction of my childhood stopped there, at nine. It didn’t. I didn’t get out of the situation until I was 16. And I know that some readers will have endured worse. And my heart goes out to you. I know what it is to be okay…not okay.
I hope you’ve had extended family, or friends and their families, who stepped into the void to help, and begin to heal you. I could not be more grateful for those who performed that role in my life. You know who you are, and if I could speak with the tongues of men and angels, I could never adequately thank you.
If you’ve been that for someone like me, who has been injured and broken by their family, please know that though they may be too detached and broken to ever voice their thanks to you, they feel it. We really do. I guess we’re the human equivalent of rescue pets, more grateful than our past may ever let us show, due to the accumulated “trust issues”. Please forgive any failure to acknowledge your help and support.
Who This Is For
I didn’t write this for those who grew up in a dysfunctional family. You already know that slapping the ”Family” label on something isn’t some kind of magic dust. You don’t need me to tell you that, or remind you of it. Neither is it really directed to those who started a family only to have it blow up on you. You too, know the devastation that occurs when something that is supposed to last until death, doesn’t…but it kills part of you nonetheless.
Anyone who has suffered through a divorce knows there is more than the body that can die. “Till death do us part” may be more applicable than we give it credit for. (Adobe Stock Image: licensed by author)
Rather, this is for all who, for the sake of ”family,” do things you ordinarily would never agree to do. You tolerate impositions and demands, and even endure mistreatment from ”family” members, and then don’t understand why some of us aren’t excited to join you for family gatherings and events.
Family just doesn’t mean the same thing to us as it does to you. Some of us count escaping from family as among our greatest achievements. Some are probably alive today because we did. Family burned us. Our experiences sensitized us, and made us easily triggered. We know it’s abnormal, and characteristic of brokenness we didn’t ask for. But we can’t manufacture feelings we don’t have. In spite of how puzzled or concerned we may be not to feel the way you do.
For us, family has lost its power to command either obligation, or automatic respect. It certainly doesn’t provide the cover or excuse for mistreatment. So, the family we recognize now is the one we choose and which chooses us back. That’s why we’re here with you and feel so protective of you.
Thank You For Understanding
We appreciate you. And, we’re glad you’re in our lives. None of us wants you to abandon your family ties for our sakes. We understand the connections and obligations you feel. We just want you to know it’s different for us. Not only do we not feel obligated, or sentimental, it’s that we’re beyond jaded.
I suspect for far too many of us, our most broken places came from family. That brokenness doesn’t necessarily define us, but it certainly, undeniably shaped us, and scarred us with invisible tattoos, etched not in ink, but in hurt, in confusion, and in despair. Engraved not on skin (perhaps), but deep in our souls (for certain).
So, if we’re skittish and subdued, and reticent and reluctant, at the mention of some family event or other; or if we overhear one of your family members speaking harshly to you, or treating you with abject insensitivity, and we respond with defensive vehemence, please know where it comes from.
Right & Wrong are sometimes hard to discern. Other times not at all. Once you’ve decided, do not be Switzerland.
# 56 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: If a Hitler-like figure shows up in your life, or in the world, do not be Switzerland.
This tip is on my list because I don’t do neutral well. Being that way has worked for me. This history makes it natural for me to encourage you to shun neutrality, too. Sometimes things are black and white. Sometimes there is truth…and lies. In those times, I believe you should be objective, have a large perspective, but do not be Switzerland.
If, like me, you’ve ever been accused of having ”strong opinions”, it’s because you aren’t afraid to speak them. You may take that accusation as a compliment. I do. I mean, who wants to be known as the guy with ”weak opinions”?
Are you neutral because you are unsure, or because you’re afraid?
But, if taking a stand is something you struggle with, let’s consider your situation. Is your difficulty in thinking through a problem, coming to a conclusion, and choosing a side? Or does the fear come from revealing your position, once chosen?
Do you feel intimidated to speak up? If so, ask yourself if it’s because you are unsure of what is right and wrong in the issue at hand, or because you are unsure of yourself?
I can’t know for sure, but I want to believe Switzerland’s leaders knew right from wrong, but they feared the onslaught if they broke official neutrality. They were unsure of themselves, and whether they could withstand the storm of reprisal.
This is an important distinction. If you are unsure of the issue, due to complexity, or nuance, that can be solved by objectively regarding the evidence on both sides, and by an enlargement of your perspective. You can try to see the issue from every side.
Do this remembering there is room in life for a plurality of views. There is a time to be objective. An impartial, nonpartisan mindset assists in this information gathering stage. I’m glad it’s that way. One of my favorite historians, Will Durant, says that being philosophical boils down to having a “large perspective.” I also like that idea.
Widen your perspective to become a more objective thinker
The wider our perspective, the better thinkers we are about all sorts of problems. The more important the issue, the more we should gather and evaluate evidence for ourselves, pro and con, before reaching conclusions. Propagandized spin won’t do. That’s not evidence.
But as much as we may try to incorporate every point of view, and as objective as we strive to be, in the end we are left with our own perception of right and wrong. The scale will tip in one direction or the other. And forgive me if you feel this is too binary, but some things aren’t gray. Sometimes you are faced with actions or issues that are right or wrong. In those times, neutrality on your part may encourage and reinforce the wrongdoer. And encouragement and reinforcement are the neighbors of aiding and abetting.
Redefine success and increase your confidence
So, if your real uncertainty isn’t over the conclusions you reach, but over yourself, this is precisely the opportunity you need to change that. In this case, re-define success. Success is not changing the other person’s mind. It is speaking yours. Regardless of the response. And this success will beget confidence, which will beget further successes.
These opportunities are precisely the chance to prove to yourself that you are the kind of person with the backbone to stand up for what you see is right, and to resist what you believe is wrong.
Once you’ve been objective, enlarged your perspective, and reached your verdict, do not be Switzerland. Don’t cop out. What you gain in self-respect and self-esteem will more than make up for what you lose by resisting the wrong side.
Cam Ward in goal, before giving up 5 and winding up in his own net.(Photo by author)
# 55 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Conflicts are unavoidable. Sometimes the most moral stance possible is to engage.
The first sentence ”Conflicts are unavoidable,” needs no proof. The second requires a book. Perhaps I will write it one day. I’m on my 3rd draft of this essay. I started with Friedrich Nietzsche, and Thrasymachus from Plato’s dialogues. And I went from there to invoke MLK, Jr, then Thoreau and Lincoln, and on to the great social and moral conflicts of the last century and a half. Those drafts outgrew a blog article.
For now, I will attempt to defend the second sentence with a personal anecdote about a night at a hockey game.
I’m a sports fan. Athletic contests involve both skill and luck. I’ve been a fan long enough to experience times when the best team hasn’t won. And other times, the team I’m pulling for just isn’t the best team. But I’ve only jumped in to engage one time as a fan, giving full throat to my righteous indignation…and it was a disaster.
A promising start to a celebratory night
A few years ago, for my birthday, my girlfriend got us tickets to see the Carolina Hurricanes play the defending Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins in Raleigh. This was a rare and special treat.
We stayed at a swanky hotel not far from the arena, and took an Uber so we could have some adult beverages at the game.
She got excellent seats maybe three to four rows from the ice. I was decked out in my Hurricanes jersey, and I drained a couple of bourbon’s from the concession stand during warmups, excitedly waiting for the first period puck drop.
Prior to the start, I noticed a lot of gold and black around us, (Pittsburgh’s team colors), and quite a few Malkin and Crosby jerseys. (Pittsburgh’s All-Star players). They had won last year’s Cup, so I was sure there were a lot of bandwagon Penguins fans who had come to watch their team. I was mildly annoyed, since this was a Hurricanes home game, but I thought the rival fans were about to suffer some serious disappointment. No worries.
It was not to be.
By the mid-way point of the game, the ‘Canes were behind 4-0. It could have been a lot worse. The ice was tilted towards whichever end held the Hurricanes goal. The puck and the action stayed in the Hurricanes zone, and four times wound up in the back of their net. On this night the home team was seriously outmatched.
I was dismayed. And I probably could have handled the loss if not for the sea of black and gold clad high-fives around us every time the Penguins notched another goal. The Pittsburgh fans were riotous. And then, they got rude…
The conflict appears, and rapidly escalates
Shortly after the start of the last period, with the outcome of the game clearly decided, the Penguins wanted to rub salt in the wound. They dumped the puck into the Hurricanes zone. The goal was on the end of the ice right in front of our seats, as it had been in the first period.
On this particular play, one of the Pittsburgh players, skating in hard to control the puck away from the flat-footed Carolina defensemen, happened to clip the ‘Canes goalie with his skate, tripping him to the ice. No call from the referees, who let play continue, ignoring what I thought was an obvious tripping penalty. I was livid. And I yelled out my frustration.
Somehow the Hurricanes cleared the puck out of harm’s way as their goalkeeper, Cam Ward, scrambled back to his goal crease, to defend his net.
On the very next play down the ice, one of Pittsburgh’s most notorious players, Patrick Hornqvist, barreled into Ward, knocking him backwards into his own net. The collision happened just as another Pittsburgh player let fly a wrist shot towards the net. Ward went flying ass over tea kettle, even knocking the goal off its moorings, but not before the puck had crossed the goal line, making the score 5-0.
To me, this was an obvious case of goaltender interference. The goal should have been disallowed, and the Hurricanes should have gone on the power play with a man advantage.
But no. Not only was there no penalty. The goal was allowed and the Pittsburgh fans began to mock and jeer and laugh at Ward and the pathetic, disheartened Hurricane players. They were jumping up and down and high-fiving each other, and pointing at the overhead scoreboard in obvious glee.
Excuse me while I make a fool of myself
I popped. This time when I stood to yell, I was screaming at all of Pittsburgh. I yelled profanities at the referees, at the players, and to my girlfriend’s horror, to the fans seated in front of and around us. I was a complete ass. But I was standing up for my team, by God!
Typically, a hockey team, when seeing one of its players physically maligned by an illegal or particularly aggressive hit, will defend their teammate and ”police” the action by fighting for him. Especially so, when it is their goalie.
Not on this night. Not these players. The Hurricanes skated around meekly with their tails tucked between their legs where their testosterone ought to have been. I’ve seen Olympic ice dancers with more fortitude.
I idiotically acted like I could make up for it, and defend the weak with my embarrassing tirade. It’s a small miracle that I didn’t start a fight myself, one that could have put me in the hospital.
In an athletic contest, with no moral or social ramifications whatsoever, I engaged. I engaged even though I was just a fan, with zero power to affect the outcome. I was just there to watch and enjoy the experience with my girlfriend, regardless of the outcome. At least, I should have been there for that alone. To my everlasting shame, I let my emotions and allegiances dictate my behavior.
This story illustrates what my tip means. In reverse.
Hey look! Everybody has an opinion. Gee, does that mean I should want the good opinion of everybody? (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
# 54 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: The good opinion of some people is not worth having.
If you followed the advice in Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think About You, and stopped caring what other people think about you, shouldn’t you still want everyone’s good opinion? What’s the harm in that? On the surface this seems desirable. Whence then, the assertion, since this is not so much a tip, that some good opinions are not worth having?
A Matter Of Respect
This is primarily a matter of respect. The degree of respect you have for the boss or the customer, the friend or the stranger, the critic or the fan, is what gives value to their opinion, or else devalues it.
And there are at least two things that affect the level of your respect. They are character, and expertise. It is appropriate to give higher weight to the opinions of those with high character or proven expertise in any combination. Likewise, the inverse is true. It is safe and even advisable to discount the opinions of those with low or poor character, and/or zero or limited experience and expertise.
I’m sure you can think of someone whose opinion of you is less than meaningless. Not only do you not care what they think, you’d be embarrassed if they had a good opinion of you. Their regard would serve as an indictment of your character.
Is the person you have in mind a scoundrel or criminal? If so, they are probably at the extreme end of your personal scale. As you slide the scale upwards, you’ll reach a point at which opinions begin to have some meaning and value, at least as benchmarks.
Desiring Good Opinions Is Natural
Even if you don’t struggle with receiving your sense of worth from the opinions of others, and even if your sense of who you are is self-determined, and not foisted upon you, none of us are completely immune to feelings that naturally arise when we hear the opinions of others expressed about us or our work. This happens in the workplace. It’s true with the views expressed by those closest to us. And is especially true when you’re a creator. The desire for positive feedback is natural.
Putting your work out for public consumption is one of the most vulnerable, and therefore terrifying, things you can do. It leaves many potential creatives paralyzed. Self-doubt erodes confidence. And it leaves many sheltering in place for years, preferring to feel the regret over not trying, rather than face the potential shame and horror of rejection and failure. Believe me, I know. Oscar Wilde shows the possibility of being an author and eventually arriving at a different state of mind. One in which the opposite becomes true. One in which good opinions may even alarm you. He clearly believed the good opinion of some people is not worth having.
This is an artist comfortable in his own skin and comfortable with his own views (Image from BrainyQuotes)
All Opinions Are Not Created Equal
I’m not there. Perhaps few are. Sometimes the only feedback you have is the opinions of others. But all opinions are not created equal. The opinion of readers has value. Although, for a writer, the opinion of readers who are also writers is more valuable than that of non-writers, because familiarity with the difficulties of the craft makes the perspective and opinions of fellow writers more credible.
I’ve found thus far on my short journey as a daily writer, that the criticisms and edits suggested in love by my girlfriend, are of more worth to me than any number of accolades by strangers commenting online. It’s not that those good opinions aren’t worth having at all, it’s that they are worth far less than the honest, if pointed, opinion of someone who has seen me at my worst yet still believes in me at my best.
I’ll leave you with this final thought. While I believe the good opinion of some people is not worth having, I do think it’s worthwhile to have someone in your life who will push you to be your best, even if they’ve seen you at your worst. I’m aiming to be that kind of writer. Even though I don’t know you, I’m of a mind that there is far too much unrealized good in most people.
Therefore, the good opinion of anyone, who, by their assurances and affirmations, causes you to be complacent and contented with either subpar character, or shoddy work, whose approval and acceptance induces you to a lesser version of yourself, is also not worth having. At least that’s my opinion, for what it’s worth.
Woman shamed by the accusations of others. Her feelings about herself shaped by their opinions about her. (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
# 53 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: It is a trap to care too much what other people think about you. There are only 2 or 3 people who matter, and one of them is you.
Consider the following sources
Mark Manson, in his excellent book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, tackles this one head on. The whole book is dedicated to the proposition that you should stop caring what other people think about you.
2650 years ago, around 625 B.C., another writer with a surly attitude, Jeremiah, said this:
”This is what the LORD says: “Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the LORD.”
He flat out called it a curse to trust in the opinions of others. He said this amounted to a heart that ”departed from the Lord.”
These sources may not be convincing enough. So, if this malady has you trapped, here are ten great quotes to ponder for further encouragement to freedom from other’s opinions.
I’ve read Manson’s book. And, I’ve also read Jeremiah. I have profound appreciation for the weeping prophet, who warned Israel of the consequences of their apostasy, and then stood and wept as the consequences unfolded. He didn’t gloat and say, “I told you so.” And, I also like all ten quotes I linked. But my all time favorite is:
”Woe to you when all the people speak well of you…”
Granted, you may place no stock whatsoever in Biblical, or scriptural authority. I do not fault you for that. But consider, if all people spoke well of you, and none thought badly, that would mean you are satisfactory to even the most despicable. No? That being the case, what exactly have you gained that is so precious?
Johnny Cash had it this way:
”It is good to know who hates you, and it is good to be hated by the right people.”
I could cite sources indefinitely. But if you struggle with this, it is real to you. I sympathize. Really. My girlfriend worries what complete strangers think of her when they are driving the car behind her and she is a little slow to move when a traffic light changes from red to green. She is kind and does not want to be an imposition. This inherent kindness is at least somewhat commendable.
But we’re talking about those whose identity and sense of self worth comes from the hoped for good opinion of others. There is nothing commendable about that. That is a trap, a curse, an undesirable end (even if attained), and not a good achievement at all. The trap is a mindset that makes your worth conditional upon your performance and its perception by others. To escape this trap, you must stop caring what other people think about you. You must see your worth as a person is more than a perfect, impeccable performance, or the meeting of expectations others have imposed upon you.
Brené Brown writes about the dynamics of all this, including how to develop what she calls, ”shame resilience,” in her excellent book, The Gifts of Imperfection. I highly recommend it for her in-depth analysis born of her years studying and analyzing shame and our responses to it.
Examples to consider
But, to pursue the topic further here, let me ask you, is it more important to be honest, or for someone to think you’re honest? If you are an honest person, you are honest regardless of who believes it, right? And vice versa, if you are dishonest, you remain so regardless of your ability to coax a good opinion from others. Truth, especially truth about character, is unswayed by belief.
Let me also ask, have you ever changed your mind and opinion about anyone in your life? Isn’t it possible you felt one way about them, learned something new, and now you feel a different way? This happens to me so often, I just assume it happens to most people. This predisposition to change notions is enough to make me look for emotional stability elsewhere than the opinions of others.
And finally, when considering practical examples, do you suppose those whose good opinion you crave have no flaws and imperfections of their own? Are you the only person beset by occasional errors? If other people have faults, weaknesses, and flaws, their opinions will also be faulty, weak, and flawed, just as yours are at times. This is universally true for each of us. You may want to treat this fact as a fact, and in so doing, devalue those oft flawed opinions accordingly.
Self Esteem is the Approval You Give Yourself – It does not come from Others
Self-esteem by definition is the esteem you give to yourself. It is the respect, regard, admiration, and approbation you account to your own credit. Many, especially those who suffer from the topic of this article, are confused as to its nature and are actually searching for Other-Esteem. This would be the esteem granted by those outside your self. Self-esteem is born of good character. It is strengthened each time you do the right thing. If you want to build yours, simply do the next right thing you know to do. Keep doing this. Soon, you’ll know yourself to be the kind of person who can know what is right to do and do it. It is the most highly subjective, relative, and individualized of all the emotions.
Life is too short to knowingly live wrong. I enjoy the challenge of being and becoming the kind of person I can respect. I personally refuse to live with a bad conscience. If I have wronged someone, I make it right at any expense. By the same token, I refuse to let someone else’s opinion of me intrude into that inner sanctum. I refuse to allow another’s bad opinion or me, give me an undeserving bad or bothered conscience. I stopped caring what other people think about me a long time ago.
Whose Opinion Should You Care About?
I care what I think about me. The degree of care I have for anyone else’s opinion is based entirely upon whether they have, by proven demonstration, shown that they consistently and ardently want the best for me, for my own sake, and not for what they stand to gain. There is about 1 other person in my life currently who fits that description and meets that criterion. Possibly 2, but that fluctuates, and if their opinion about me changed, I would be sad, but not crushed. It has changed before and changed back again. Which is to say, no one’s opinions are guaranteed to remain stable indefinitely.
And I care what God thinks. Not because I believe I can behave well enough to get him to love me more. I cannot. Neither can I behave badly enough to get him to stop loving. But, I care what He thinks because He’s proven that He wants what is best for me, and that I am too shortsighted and ignorant to know what that is at all times.
Opinions Can Encourage You Without Owning You
The one caveat that I will admit to is this. I know that I am my own worst critic. While I generally like myself, and as I’ve stated, I endeavor to keep a clear conscience, I am hard on my creative products. Without the encouragement of friends, and even strangers, I might be too discouraged to continue the attempt to create content that may provide value to some. So, I allow room for the encouragement to continue those efforts.
But let me be plain. I may care what people think about what I do, or what I say, or what I write. But I could not, in general, care any less about what people think of who I am. This works for me, it keeps me from being trapped by the opinions of others. I don’t seek esteem from that quarter. And since I don’t seek it there, I’m never disappointed not to receive it from there. Your mileage may vary, but I highly encourage you to stop caring what other people think about you. You’ll thank me. You’ll appreciate me. But I won’t really care if you do or not.
Invest in Yourself and get the greatest possible ROI (Adobe Stock image licensed to author)
# 52 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Invest in yourself without apology by reading, exploring, learning, exercising.
True wealth does not consist in possessions that can be listed on a will or a homeowner’s insurance policy. True wealth is not a medium of exchange in the typical sense, the way mere money is. Nevertheless, to acquire riches that don’t tarnish, that aren’t subject to the vagaries of ”market forces”, and that keep supplying a return, you must invest in yourself without apology. Here are four simple, yet effective, ways to do that.
1- Read
I count this as life’s most important skill. Unless you read, you only get to try on and live one life. By reading even mediocre writing, you can use your vast imagination to inhabit another world. By reading you meld your mind, with its limited, finite table of contents, with the minds of every writer you sample. You become multi-perspectived.
This is of incalculable worth. For if a person can never see beyond themselves; that is, if they can never see the world from another’s viewpoint and ”put themselves in another’s shoes”, how can they ever see other people as anything but objects to be used?
2- Explore
Reading is a type of exploration, but by this head, I mean that a person should explore their surroundings in a state of awareness that allows for the possibility of unexpected discovery. One aspect of exploration is to see or to experience a common thing in a new way. I try, as much as possible, to go through each day, and even to move about my house, or walk the streets of my neighborhood, as if I’ve never seen them before.
Here’a a tip to help with this mindset. You have never lived this particular day before. And you never will again. Explore it. Mine it. Extract all of the beauty and pleasure and knowledge and appreciation out of it you possibly can. Become an explorer of this day, and find all there is to be found.
3- Learn
If you read and explore you will gain knowledge. The accumulation of knowledge is like a person who, by reading and exploring, notices and collects puzzle pieces. Eventually, the learner accumulates enough pieces to see patterns emerge. Some of the pieces fit together exactly. In some places there are gaps. By arranging and linking and connecting the tidbits of stored knowledge, one begins to see recurring themes.
At some point you will have pieced together enough related knowledge to be Competent in that area. Continue adding pieces on the way to Mastery.
The other benefit is the humility and even the mild melancholia that comes to the one who realizes that his puzzle may never be finished. There is no clear, absolute picture to go by. There will be sections with no pieces that seem to match. The yearning sadness is the unavoidable flip side of gratitude for having learned so much, yet the recognition that there is so much left to know, that may never be known.
Nevertheless, the Learner would never trade what he knows for a trifle like a car, or a house, or another of life’s accessories. If knowledge suddenly became the medium of exchange, he would not give away a single piece of his puzzle.
4- Exercise
I used to believe the most valuable commodity in life was Time. We’re all on the clock, after all. But a shift in my perspective makes me believe that the most valuable commodity is actually health. I would not want to live an innumerable number of days, sick. You may feel differently but consider, if health became the basis of your paycheck, and not hours, how much health would you trade for your pay?
To this end, exercise is the single most important thing I can do to help. Well, that and consuming only as many calories of the highest quality I can afford to sustain life with the energy requirements of my body and lifestyle.
Start by walking. Healthy humans are ambulatory. We walk upright on two legs. I’ve made the incalculably rich discovery that walking is both means and end. It is perhaps the most spiritual physical practice a person can undertake.
In Summary
Invest in yourself without apology. We need you at your absolute best. I’ll try to be at my best for you, too.
True Justice is Moral, not merely Legal. It treats everyone’s interests equally. (Adobe Stock image: licensed by author)
# 51 on my, 99 Life Tips – A List is: Treat people as if their interests are exactly as important as yours. They are. (But they are not more important.)
The Golden Rule has a couple of variations that condense to the same thing. The interests of people are relative and equal. This being the case, morality requires that you treat people as if their interests are exactly as important as yours. Any deviation is the essence of moral failure.
To be moral, moral codes must be based on truth. At a casual glance, when contemplating aphorisms like, ”All men are created equal…”, the discriminating among us (and I use that term in the positive sense of one who has refined tastes and exercises good judgment), may argue about its veracity. By some metrics it doesn’t appear to be true at all.
Yet, in the U.S. Declaration of Independence, this is one of the enumerated ”self-evident” truths. But, the careful observer recognizes the obvious. There is a disparate distribution of talent, physical attributes, mental aptitude, socio-economic standing, and opportunities for improvement and advancement between humans.
When I compare myself to LeBron James, or Stephen Hawking, or Yo Yo Ma, I see some pretty glaring inequalities. And those exist at the physical, mental, and talent levels. What about differences on the socio-economic ladder between myself and the wealthiest ”10%” who own more than the bottom 70% combined?
EgregiousWealth Inequality is a Particular Kind of Immorality
The following graphics show that the top 1% owns 31.4% of US net wealth as of the 4th quarter of 2020. The population from the 90th to 99th percentile owns 38.2%; the 50th to 90th percentile, owns 28.3% of net wealth; and the bottom 50 percent owned only 2% of the nation’s net wealth. Yay Capitalism!
If all men are created equal, and if everyone’s interests are equal, how is this happening? It may be legal, but is it moral? (Image from https://www.statista.com/statistics/299460/distribution-of-wealth-in-the-united-states/ screenshot by author)
And to add insult to injury, the share of wealth going to the top is increasing as depicted by this graphic:
The rich get richer, the poor poorer. Yet everyone’s interests are equal. This is everyone’s moral failure. (Image from https://www.statista.com/statistics/299460/distribution-of-wealth-in-the-united-states/ screenshot by author)
Of course, I could have saved your time and some screen space by just summarizing the current state of Capitalism in the US with this familiar graphic. One wonders where these traditional, mythical images come from?
Ouroboros. When society, especially economically, refuses to treat everyone’s interests as equal, this is what happens. (Adobe Stock Image: licensed by author)
All men are created equal? Really? How so?
Faced with these inequities, whence comes the certitude expressed, that all men are created equal? Or, on what moral basis are we enjoined to love our neighbor as our self? Or, for what reason are we to do unto others as we would want them to do unto us?
It is because the self-interest of every human being is equal. The lowliest peasant or serf in history had interests as important to him or her as those of the gaudiest Lord or Czar. It may have been ”legal” for a Lord to exploit and use the serf, but it was immoral.
Similarly, today, it may be legal for capitalist billionaires and their corporations to pocket for themselves the wealth created by employees they hire and pay as cheaply as possible. It may be legal to exploit and despoil the environment, stripping it of resources faster than they can be replenished. Laws may allow or even encourage taking advantage of local real estate, utilities, and infrastructure, at little or no cost in resultant tax revenues back to the community and state. But such behavior is reprehensibly immoral, nonetheless. Let’s agree to call it what it is.
It is a special gift of the ultra-wealthy to hide their immorality behind law, and do so to almost universal social acclaim. And yet the interests of Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos are not more important than the interests of the person just hired at minimum wage to scrub the corporate toilets.
Where is our Moral Courage?
Every dollar pocketed by selfish exploitation is an evidentiary document at the bar of Moral Justice, legal though it may be by custom or culture. We just happen to live at a moment in history when we celebrate the immoral as champions, rather than castigate them as villains.
This is possible because for decades now the West has lost any voice of moral courage.
In his famous speech at Harvard in 1978, Alexander Solzenhitsyn, the famous Soviet dissident, and Nobel Laureate said this:
”I have spent all my life under a Communist regime and I will tell you that a society without any objective legal scale is a terrible one indeed. But a society with no other scale than the legal one is not quite worthy of man either. A society which is based on the letter of the law and never reaches any higher is taking very scarce advantage of the high level of human possibilities. The letter of the law is too cold and formal to have a beneficial influence on society. Whenever the tissue of life is woven of legalistic relations, there is an atmosphere of moral mediocrity, paralyzing man’s noblest impulses. And it will be simply impossible to stand through the trials of this threatening century with only the support of a legalistic structure.”
~ Alexander Solzenhitsyn, speech entitled, A World Split Apart Harvard, 1978 (emphasis mine)
Our Interests are Equal – The Moral Act Like It
Self-interest is relative. Mine may not mean much to you. But my interests are certainly important to me. Just as important as yours are to you.
This is the basis of equal treatment and the basis of equal love. My hopes and desires and needs are not more important than yours or anyone else’s. They are important to me for reasons of my own. And yours are the same. They are important to you for reasons sufficient to you.
When we acknowledge this, and treat each other accordingly, we’re operating on the basis of truth. We are affording each other the respect and recognition born of interests that are of equal value.
In any dealings we may have together, I don’t expect you to treat me as if my interests are more important than your own. Don’t expect me to make my interests subservient to yours, either. They are equal. We may choose to negotiate and compromise. There may be give and take, but if either of us elevates and imposes our interests above the interests of the other, we are guilty of that which constitutes the entire essence of moral and ethical failure, regardless of our justifications, of so-called ”legality”, and regardless of our stock portfolio or checking account balance.
And let us hold each other to account. Let us act as if our interests have value. And let us think about these things in our business dealings, in our purchases, in our valuation of the character and actions of others, especially when evaluating the wealthiest, who routinely extract from you every penny of interest they can. Just because something is legal does not mean it is right. Remember this and as far as is in you, treat people as if their interests are exactly as important as yours. Because they are.
